"If I wrote an article on why grown up Taylor Swift fans are better in bed, would the internet burn down? Or would it burn down." That right there is a real live chat I sent someone from my place of work before ultimately deciding that it was My Destiny to write this. I am at your mercy, internet, for I know that this has the potential to be mocked the world over — but I take slight comfort in the fact that I am so far gone that I'm also kind of untouchable. So do with this article whatever you want, Swifties and...everyone else. (Humans? Non-Swifties? How do you identify??) In the words of Taylor, "It's gonna be forever, or it's gonna go down in flames." I hope in this case it is both.
First and foremost, when I say I am an authority on this, I (for better of for worse) mean it. I have been a Taylor Swift fan for nearly a decade, which means she basically dragged me through all my murky existential teen angst and well into my twenties, and has been around for every first, last, and in between. It is through my diehard fangirling of Taylor Swift that I have endured my awkward young adulthood and blossomed into the slightly less awkward flower that I am. (She can help, guys, but she ain't a miracle worker.) I have observed over time that not only has Taylor helped us Swifties own our awkward selves, but has also instilled all the qualities that make us QUALITY lays:
We have mad self-esteem
"Shake It Off" isn't just a power anthem. It's our lifestyle. Taylor says it all: "OK, you don't like me for being myself? I'm just going to be myself more!" The more Taylor Swift owned herself, the more Swifties were empowered to do the same — and if you don't think we're takin' all that shake, shake, shaaaaake to the bedroom, well. You're about to get down to this. Sick. BEAT.
Our endurance is time-tested, Swift concert approved
I couldn't really tell you what goes on at a Taylor Swift concert, because I basically black out and transcend time and space. But I will say that my poor Fitbit clocked in 20,000 steps in the two hours I spent in the Red tour. That's roughly the equivalent of ten miles, guys, and by the end of that encore, the entire stadium was still raging like we were inhaling caffeine gas. So yeah. We'll last all night and then some.
We are the least judgmental people in the world
We call ourselves "Swifties," guys. Willingly. That's like several strategically placed letters away from naming ourselves after a feather duster. We are grown-ass women wearing tutus to concert venues, cry-laughing in the car whenever we scroll past "Begin Again" on country radio on road trips, and stalking two cats on Instagram that we've never even met. We are way past judgment. So go ahead. Get freaky. Bring on the sex farts and that Star Trek fantasy and whatever dinosaur noise you make when you orgasm. We accept you just the ~way you are~.
We're super in tune with our emotions — and yours
Listening to Taylor Swift music is the cheapest, most effective form of therapy there is — so our post-coital pillow talk game is on POINT. Go ahead, y'all. Tell us how you feel. We'll be so emotionally supportive that by the time we hit Round Two, you won't even remember your deep-seated childhood insecurities and enduring fear of men wearing Chuck E. Cheese costumes.
We know a thing or two about TEAMWORK
I'm not just referring to Taylors #squad, because try as we may, we Swifties are decidedly on the outside of it. But take a look at the ridiculous harmony of a crowd during a Taylor concert. We are HERE for our fellow Swifties, fist bumping in unison, snapping pics of each other's rad signs, and outfit coordinating with our besties. We bring that same kind of "WHAT TEAM?!" mentality right into the bedroom. EVERYBODY'S coming home a winner. ("WILDCATS," by the way.)
Statistically, you can't avoid us
Taylor Swift has 61.3 million Twitter followers. Let's low end ballpark that only half of them are over the age of sex times, and even then, you are pretty much destined to get down with at least one of us. Embrace your Swiftie destiny. CUZ YOU KNOW WE LOVE THE PLAYERS, AND YOU! LOVE! THE GAME!
I mean ... have you tried having sex to a Taylor Swift song?
If you're reading this and going "UGH, of COURSE not," then you're obviously a person who has never banged to "Blank Space". WE CAN SHOW YOU INCREDIBLE THINGS.
NO, I'M NOT SORRY, THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.
Images: Getty Images; Giphy(7)