The Definitive Guide Pairing Taylor Swift Songs With Alcoholic Drinks, Because Adulthood, That's Why

I would tell you how many Taylor Swift concerts I've attended, but I'm trying to look like I'm less of a shambles person on the internet, so FIVE, OK?! JEEZ. There isn't a single song Taylor has released that I don't know all the words to, and to prove it I channel my inner #basic every two years by scrawling them all up and down my human skin with permanent marker so I can go to her concerts in ~style~. (And also make a bunch of 8-year-olds mad jealous that my mom didn't tell me no 'cuz I have school the next morning. SUCK IT, AVA.)

But something happened for the first time on the Red tour that hadn't happened on any of the others—suddenly, I was at a Taylor Swift concert where I was old enough to drink. There is no stranger intersection of childhood and adulthood then the moment you sip your first beer while listening to Taylor Swift; I was 22, and yeah, I was happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time, thank you very much. But I was also tipsy. In public. AT A TAYLOR SWIFT CONCERT. And this year, I had precisely half a beer at the 1989 tour and did it all over again, y'all. (Of course I'm a lightweight, did we not already establish I listen to Taylor Swift?)

I'm not going to tell you that drinking alcohol makes Taylor Swift songs better. That would be an insult to Taylor Swift songs, which are Complete And Utter Perfection without any form of mind-altering substances. At the same time, though, now that I have expert knowledge in Taylor Swift and semi-functional knowledge in drinking, I feel that it is my patriotic duty to share with you how beautifully they can be paired. Without any further ado, here are the drinks that go well with each Taylor Swift song so you can get Swiftie Turnt:

"Mean"

Fireball Whiskey, for certain. This was Taylor's last real hurrah with country music before the flirtation with pop turned into an all-out love affair, and it deserves to be celebrated with some red hot, spicy Fireball in shot form, Nashville dive bar style.

"Blank Space"

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Champagne, because duh.

"I Knew You Were Trouble"

Tequila shots. 'Til you're LYIN' ON THE COLD, HARD GROUND. (OHHHH!)

"Style"

Red wine. Partially because you gotta keep that "red lip, classic" thing that s/he likes in tact, but mostly because red wine also never goes ~out of style~.

"Love Story"

Mimosa. This will forever be one of the sweetest, most satisfying songs that ever graced your eardrums, and it deserves to be paired with something just as adorable and delicious. It will also justify all of your brinner adventures.

"Shake It Off"

Margaritas. First off, cuz you SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE 'em. But mostly because if you and your bad self are gettin' down to this song, you've already lost all semblance of shame and are full on doing a robot-ballerina-twerking hybrid in a bar full of people. The margarita will make you even BETTER at it. (KIND of.)

"All Too Well"

White wine. Let's be real — you're only listening to this for all the cathartic #feels you can feel, and nothing says "I'm sad but I'm also quite classy" like a chilled white wine glass in your hands as you sit on your bed, watch the rain trickle from the windows, and leak your angst out of the stereo.

"22"

Jagerbomb. It's miserable and magical, ohhh yeahhh.

"Bad Blood"

Scotch. I don't even drink scotch, guys—I just feel like that's the kind of drink Someone Who Has Been Wronged in an action movie would drink, and so I'm putting it in here.

"Begin Again"

Rosé. Simple, sweet, and lovely, it is basically this song condensed into a drink.

"We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together"

Blue Moon. It's just got that ~vibe~, ya know? The first time you heard this song you were like, "Pfft, I'm not that into it," and then by the third listen you stopped denying your basic self and were like "HELL YES THIS IS MY JAM ROLL THE WINDOWS DOWN, COURTNEY." Blue Moon sorta wormed its way into our hearts like that, too.

"Fifteen"

Kool-Aid. In a sippy cup. Get outta here with that fake, you punk.

"Welcome To New York"

Appletinis. GET IT? Cuz it's the Big Apple.

OK, that's fair, go ahead and mercy kill me. I've earned it.

Images: Vimeo(2); Giphy(12)