We have to accept responsibility that sometimes we can make improvements in the sack. That goes for all of us, of all experience levels, with all our partners. But that doesn't mean our partners are perfect either. While they can learn from our signals and personal pleasures, so can we from them. But how can you help your partner be better in bed?
"I teach women in my Mommy Mojo Makeover program a technique I developed called "Seductive Vocalization” — you use it to redirect your partner away from doing something that doesn’t feel good, and back to doing something that does feel good, all while keeping the sexual energy flowing," says sex expert Dana Myers. (You break the sensual flow when you saying something like “Ugh! That hurts!” or “I hate when you do that!”)
Step 1, says Myers, is to give lots of verbal praise while your partner is pleasing and delighting you. You want to use a slightly naughty, turned-on tone with uninhibited breathing, sighing and moaning and simply express the pleasure you’re experiencing as you’re experiencing it. For example, you might say, "Yes, yes, that’s so hot. Your tongue feels so good. That’s just the right speed. Now a little bit lighter. That’s it. That’s so good. I love the way that feels. No, no not too fast. Slower. That’s it. That’s it. Just like that.”
How do you get in this zone? It all starts with gentle guidance and positive reinforcement.
1. Gentle Guidance
"When [they] break away from doing what you like and moves onto a trick [they] think is amazing but is actually awful… you simply continue using your sexy, breathy voice and immediately redirect his actions. You might say, "No, no... no hands baby. No fingers. Just your tongue again. I love you when you use your tongue," says Myers.
They’ll immediately go back to doing the move you were praising just moments ago…. and you get less and less of the moves that displease you. "By dishing out copious, detailed praise on the positive moves in his sexual arsenal, you’ll get more of the positive — it’s as simple as that. And this is an easy and effective way to make somebody else better in bed, without bruising their ego or building up pent-up frustration towards them," says Myers.
2. Show, Don’t Tell
New lovers do not come with instruction manuals, and as much as we’d like them to be, your partner is not a mind reader, says Emily Morse, sexologist, host of the Sex With Emily podcast, author Hot Sex Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight.
He or she does not have the exact formula for how to give you explosive orgasms, but chances are they are eager to learn. Don’t be afraid to show them exactly how you like to be touched. After all, who is a better expert of your body than you are? Try placing your hand over theirs and guiding them over all of your hot spots. This way, you will take the guessing out of the picture and guarantee more satisfaction for both parties.
3. Exchange Bucket Lists
If there’s something missing for you in the bedroom, chances are your partner may feel the same, says Morse. Instead of playing the blame game, turn it into a sexy game for two, one where everyone wins!
Exchange a bucket list of three things you’d both like to try in bed. "You don’t have to actually do all of them (at least not in one night) but just by communicating what you’d like to experience, you’ll be more likely to get your mutual needs met. Plus, it opens up the dialogue for more experimentation and exploration down the line," says Morse. When your partner knows they are fulfilling your fantasies as well as their own, you’ll both have more confidence and enjoyment in the bedroom.
4. Memory Lane
Remind them of something great they’ve done in the past and let them know just how much you loved it. For example, “I loved when you held me down and kissed my neck” or “When you press your tongue right there, it feels so good”. Even if they’ve never performed an act or technique exactly as you describe it, their ego boost will drive them to replicate your instructions, says Astroglide's resident sexologist, Dr. Jess.
5. Give Them A Hand
"No two bodies are alike and no book (not even mine!) offers universally mind-blowing techniques. Take your partner by the hand and show them exactly what pressure, speed and rhythm you like," says Dr. Jess. After a few hand-in-hand sessions, their muscle memory will start to kick in.
6. Talk Dirty
Give them naughty instructions that describe what you like in explicit detail, says Dr. Jess. Whisper, breathe deeply and moan to offer positive reinforcement.
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