A Donald Trump & Mark Cuban Presidency Is A Tempting Ticket, But Here's How Their Pairing Would Be Doomed
I. Love. 2016. This upcoming presidential election has become the biggest must-watch event in the country, and much of that is thanks to Donald Trump. While it's obviously still early for anyone to be jockeying for the role of his potential VP, Mark Cuban on Thursday told Business Insider he'd be open to running side-by-side with Trump for the White House. The Dallas Mavericks owner and startup investor acknowledged he probably wouldn't accept a hypothetical offer since he's not "cut out for politics." But if a Donald Trump-Mark Cuban presidency were to happen, here's how I'd imagine it would go down.
Speculation over a Trump-Cuban ticket began after Cuban praised Donald and his no-holds-barred approaching to politics earlier this week, writing on his messaging app Cyber Dust:
I don't care what his actual positions are. I don't care if he says the wrong thing. He says what's on his mind. He gives honest answers rather than prepared answers. This is more important than anything any candidate has done in years.
Trump ended up thanking Cuban for his "nice words," and the whole budding bromance is a serious turnaround considering the feud Trump and Cuban have had for more than a decade. In all honesty, I don't see the love lasting for too long, which is why the pair's presidency would probably go through the same five stages of a new and doomed relationship.
1. The Courtship (Current Stage)
After Cuban fans Trump's ego, he gets a call on his private cell from The Donald. The two begin to secretly Snapchat each other to figure out how they'll redefine American politics. They begin laying clues about their destined partnership in order to pique voters' interests. Cuban introduces Trump at a Iowa rally. Trump, free from his NBCUniversal contracts, guest stars on ABC's Shark Tank and sits next to Cuban as he tells budding entrepreneurs, "You're fired." By July 2016, Trump, who wins the GOP nomination by a landslide, announces he's made Cuban his VP.
2. The Honeymoon
After going public, Trump and Cuban fly across the country in their private jets to reach every voter in the country. Cuban offers Dirk Nowitzki a $10 million bonus if he campaigns for them while Trump shows up at the debates with an entourage of six former Miss USAs. Trump and Cuban send each other at least 10 love-tweets a day, while simultaneously calling their enemies "losers" every chance they get. In the end, they don't get enough electoral collage votes, but because an overwhelming 77 percent of the popular vote goes their way, Congress goes "meh" and lets the unlikely couple head straight to the White House.
3. The Turn
The first two months of Trump's presidency are spent in a media tour across the world. Eventually, Trump realizes he has to do something now that he's in power so he sends Cuban to Congress to try and convince members they should back his new health care program — unoriginally dubbed "Trumpcare" — which consists of telling hospitals to only provide uncovered services to people who really need it. Trump warns Cuban to not come back to the White House without a majority vote or else he'll sign an executive order to have the Dallas Mavericks relocated to Topeka, Kansas. The threat against his beloved Mavs puts Cuban on the defense, and he begins plotting on how he'll take Trump down.
4. The Fallout
Through the NSA, Trump learns Cuban has been personally calling every member of Congress to get him impeached on the basis of incompetency. Trump tells two Secret Service members to shave Cuban's hair during his sleep. After the dirtiest political battle in history, Cuban finagles Congress to give Trump the boot, which then allows him to ascend to the highest position of power in the country. Cuban is now the 46th president in our nation's history. (Holy shit, this was the plan all along, wasn't it?) Trump drops off the radar.
5. The Aftermath
With lost Apprentice and Miss Universe contracts, Trump resorts to cavorting on his golf courses to remain connected with the rich and powerful. He'll eventually become a recluse, sporadically tweeting absurd abominations at anyone who brings back painful memories of his former BFF. Cuban, on the other hand, will remain in the White House for precisely two weeks, which is when he'll voluntarily step down because he realizes there actually isn't "real" money to be made in politics.
And the political saga is finally over.
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