26 Thoughts She Has When You Go Down on Her

It's hard to imagine what the whole receiving oral sex experience would be like without the cultural baggage attached to it. There's porn, which tends to feature male-to-female oral for around an eighth of the amount of time as it does the female-to-male, and also spotlights a lot of "looks good on camera" (but feels terrible in real life) techniques that range from "whaaaaat" to "dear God why?!" Then we've got TV and movie sex, which is frankly not much more realistic than porn in its representations of the act, and leaves more questions than answers about logistics when the lead actor's head dips below the screen just before the actress begins her 4.5 second journey into ecstasy. The implied orgasm is, of course, immediate and 100 percent reliable. No one feels bored or confused. No directions are necessary.

Beyond cultural BS, there's also dating pressure to deal with. Be low maintenance! Be simple! Be easy to please! Don't take too long! Don't taste bad! Don't be uptight! Have an orgasm attractively! Is it any wonder that so many straight women are like, "nah, let's just bone"? Even if your sex person has things physically down, the mental and emotional fraughtness of oral can make it hard to relax enough to enjoy it.

If you don't know what it's like, here's a look at the sh*tstorm of anxiety a lot of go through before, during, and after receiving oral sizzex:

1. How Can I Gracefully Excuse Myself From This Situation So I Can Do A Bathroom Touchup?

Our partner probably always thinks we have to pee before sex but honestly, we need to do a quick rinse and TP check. Did you want to know that? Didn't think so.

2. What's My Hair Situation Again?

Recently shaved with awkward stubble: bad. Wildebeast: bad. Tended, but chill enough not to cut someone's face: the sweet spot.

3. Did I Drink Enough Water/Eat Pineapple Today?

Concerns. And on top of everything else, now I have this song stuck in my head.

4. What Kind Of Underwear Do I Have On?

Best possible scenario is breathable, but cute. Not so great is cotton, but clean and breathable. Worst case scenario is fancy, but sweaty AF because nylon mesh is sexy but does not breathe.

5. Scale Of 1 To 10, How Awkward Is This Going To Be?

Please God let this not be awkward. If it's bad, let it end quickly, that's all I ask. I don't even care of it's good, just get me through this without too much anxiety.

6. Wait, Is This Going To Be What I Think It's Going To Be Or Are They Just Really Interested In My Thigh Right Now?

Real question.

7. Should I Start Moaning... Nowish?

OK, they have definitely set out on an expedition to the naughty side of the thigh crease. Are we doing this? Should I do sounds yet? No... yes?

8. Are They Going To Pick A Thing, Or?

OK, we're doing this, but right out of the gate the technique is super random. We seem to have some sort of circuit training system going of slurping, big circles, small circles, suction, and tongue-in-vagina-insertions, with no apparent rhyme or reason. This is not going to work.

9. Oh! You Picked A Thing!

10. Not That One Though.

Nope. Please do something else.

10. Oh! This Is Working.

This one! Keep doing this one!

11. Annnnd, You've Stopped Doing It.

12. Please, Go Back. 13. Please?14. Please.15. If I Do Some Moaning Will You Go Back Or Will That Encourage You To Keep Doing That Thing I Hate?

16. Ooh, You're Touching My Legs, That's Really Nice And Romantic.

17. Ooh, You're Looking Up At Me, That's Creepy.

18. OK, You've Picked A Thing Based On My Body Language And Verbal Cues And We're Back On Track!

This is working! This is going great! OK, let's go to the mental happy place and try to enjoy this.

19. I Think I Might Actually Get There.

Don't do anything different or I'll kill you.

20. Wait — Am I Taking Too Long?

21. Oh God, You're Tired.22. Are You Tired?23. You Look Tired.

24. How Long Has This Been? I Don't Think It's Going To Happen.

I feel so guilty for having wasted your time.

And finally, a-choose-your-own-adventure-selection of endings:

25. How Can I Gracefully Pull You Up And Transition Into Something Else? I'm Uncomfortable Now.

There's a very small window of time before this gets awkward.

OR ....

26. OH! Holy Sh*t We Turned It Out After All And That Was Amazing.

I am in awe of your talents and fully intend to rock your world later.

But like, much later. I'm exhausted.

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