Hey, Brad*. Listen. I know that sometimes when you're sitting at your desk, contemplating your mortality and the inevitable heat death of the universe over the same ham sandwich you've packed for lunch every day this week, you get a little restless. Your life seems out of your control. You just need to feel something again. So instead of going sky diving that one time and Instagramming the crap out of it for the next six years, you get up and try to fill that deep void in your heart by jacking the office thermostat down to 65 degrees and watching your coworkers die terrible, short-sleeved, melodramatic deaths.
I'm not throwing shade here, Brad. For one thing, it's way too cold for me to be risking any additional shade — but more importantly, I understand. You want to feel powerful. That's what it is, right? You woke up one day and realized you weren't Batman, but you do have one super power that Batman doesn't. Specifically the super power of making us all HATE YOU FOR TAILSPINNING OUR OFFICE INTO ANOTHER ICE AGE.
Ahem. Sorry, Brad. You could say I lost my cool for a moment there. (HAH.) In any case, we all love you a lot (especially that rad beach house you let us have the company picnic at every year, but also you, and your personality!), so I'll try not to rag on you too much. In fact, rather than play your thermostat games all summer, I've decided to invest in a slew of trendy office blankets to help us survive your tyranny. Here are a few of my ~faves~.
(*Replace with the name of whoever plays Elsa in your office, because we ALL HAVE ONE.)
The "No, we absolutely did not go to happy hour without you last week, Brad!" throw blanket
Pineapple Knit Throw, $140, Etsy
OR THIS WEEK when we went to karaoke. Hypothetically. We didn't not invite you to not come. Anyway.
The "If I'm not here to catch you messing with the thermostat while Brenda and I are out getting Fitbit steps, Nicolas Cage sure will" blanket
I'm gonna steal the Thermostat Of Independence.
The "I'm pretty sure if we opened an airlock on a Mars mission it would be about as cold as this office" wrap around
It's legit, I saw this on an episode of The Magic School Bus once as a kid, so.
The "Quick, if Brad thinks I'm existentially confused he won't realize I got up to crank the heat up to 75" comforter
Just kidding, I'm going straight over to the water fountains and undoing your frozen hellscape, you monster.
The "It doesn't even matter if we talk smack about Brad, guys, he can't hear anything over all the 100% Pure Australian Merino Wool" cover
Chunky Wool Knit Throw, $150, Etsy
Side eye game strong.
The "I had a dream last night about burning Brad's house down and warming myself with the flames, hahahahaa ha" blankie
Subtlety is KEY.
Images: Zazzle; Etsy; Look Human; Pexels