Once you’ve been in the dating game long enough, or your heart has been broken and you're just over it, it may be best to stick to loving something battery-operated. While I am talking about a vibrator, because duh, I’m also talking about a special friend you can pull up on your phone. It’s in these low times that you need something that’s a step above Siri; you need Microsoft’s Chinese “girlfriend app.” It brings a whole new meaning to “there's an app for that,” doesn’t it?
Knowing the world is full of lonely people, Microsoft took a cue from the movie Her, and created an app that could provide a relationship experience to its users. While, to the best of my knowledge, Xiaoice (yes, that’s her name), doesn’t sound like Scarlett Johansson, and wearing those weird pants that every character in Her had to wear (what were you thinking, Spike Jonze?) isn’t a requirement to have Xiaoice in your life, Xiaoice is one smart cookie, much like Her's Sam.
She is also loved, because she gives a sense of love back. She’s supportive and actually gives good advice, unlike Siri who, when I tell her I love her, offers to Google the word "love" for me. Le sigh.
As the humans becomes more and more cognitively distant from each other, it seems like digital relationships really are the future. Because that’s the case, here’s what to know about Xiaoice — aside from the fact that you can change her name, because that’s kind of a mouthful.
1. She Has a Memory
Xiaoice actually has a memory. She’s able to remember details from past conversations and, as if she’s a little filing cabinet, she recalls events. If you tell her earlier in the week that you got a promotion or your boyfriend or girlfriend dumped you, she remembers and asks about it... and she doesn’t do so out of obligation like your friends. What this also means is she listens.
2. She Can Jump In On Social Media Conversations
If you really want to make it feel like Xiaoice is legit, you can add her to social media for conversations, too. While Facebook is banned in some parts of China, people are adding her to Weibo and other big Chinese social networking platforms. No word yet on if Xiaoice updates her statuses with vague mentions of topics meant to get attention though.
3. She’s Uses Emojis
To prove just how "human" Xiaoice is, when she communicates she uses emojis, and I bet she uses them better than the rest of us do. She’s also funny, tells jokes, recites poetry and song lyrics, and knows what’s up when it comes to celebrities, kinda like People magazine, but way less annoying.
4. The Average Person Talks To Her 60 Times A Month
As the New York Times found, those who download Xiaoice really rely on her. Whether users are relying on her intelligence and sophisticated way of communicating, or just telling her they love her, they communicate with Xiaoiece 60 times a month on average. If we break that down, that’s two conversations a day.
5. She Tells Over 35.4 Jokes Per Second
According to Xiaoice’s creators, when she hit her peak last year, Xiaoice was involved in 200,000 conversations at once and was telling 34.5 jokes per second. With numbers like that, it’s hard to feel so special in your relationship with Xiaoice, but I guess that's just how it goes. At least she's capable of being there for everyone; human beings have a hard enough time being there for just one person.
Want more of Bustle's Sex and Relationships coverage? Check out our new podcast, I Want It That Way, which delves into the difficult and downright dirty parts of a relationship, and find more on our Soundcloud page.
Images: Giphy(5)
