4 Internet Astrologers Who Give Susan Miller A Run For Her Money, Because GIF Horoscopes Are The Best Horoscopes
I’ll confess something: I don’t believe in astrology. But I still read my horoscope every month.
Why? I guess I find it soothing. I like reading horoscopes for the same reason I like reading advice columns — I appreciate the motivation and words of wisdom. And, I admit, even if I don’t really believe that astrologers can tell the future, I feel a lot better about a month that’s predicted to go smoothly (hooray! Jupiter is in my house of true love!) than a month that’s supposed to be tough for me (Mercury is retrograde again ?).
All that being said, I am a real connoisseur when it comes to my free (always free) horoscopes. I like my astrologers Earth Mother-y, as befitting, like, a freakin’ witch. Flowery writing and lots of talk about the moon’s potential are key. I’m not big on astrologers that are all about finding "true love," but I love it when they talk about how I can "learn to love myself."
But here's the thing: Though Susan Miller of Astrology Zone is, without a doubt, the reigning Internet astrology queen, I’m not a huge fan of hers. No matter what planets are opposed to me (or whatever), the advice she always gives me is to travel or redecorate. I’m pretty sure her audience is made up entirely of Real Housewives. I’m not made of money, Susan! Even if I am a Taurus!
So, to celebrate the beginning of a new month, here are my preferred horoscope sources — all young, independent astrologers who use the stars to actually get into real talk. I like to discuss them with my friends as a way to gossip about our lives in new and interesting ways. Add margaritas and a smudge stick and you’re basically living in the 1998 movie Practical Magic, which is some worthy life inspiration right there.
Oh man, this woman is good. Consider that this is how she begins her July horoscope:
I hope these horoscopes find you hydrated and surrounded by love. I hope if it’s raining where you are then the rain feels good, like the sky made an offering to you. And, if you are lying in the sun, then you are kissed all over by it, feeling full of summer, your fingers sticky from the sea.
Those are some major beach witch vibes right there. I find the Galactic Rabbit, who used to have a column at The Hairpin before striking out on her own, especially soothing during traumatic, life change moments — she’s the kind of astrologer who’s always reminding you to trust your own power and intuition in the face of dark times. She publishes her predictions monthly, and always slightly late.
One of the many things to love about Chani Nicholas is that she has a degree in Feminist Counseling. As such, her weekly, introspective horoscopes feel like a form of counseling — often, she asks questions (When do you get defensive? When do you feel most like yourself?), where other astrologers would provide easy answers. The horoscopes also veer toward practical advice, which I appreciate; she sometimes even offers homework, like writing down things you’re thankful for or trying to take care of your body or cleaning your house.
The very occasional horoscopes of “Madame Clairevoyant” (AKA Claire Comstock-Gay) at The Rumpus are delightful, even though she is “not a real astrologer or a real writer” according to her illuminating bio. Her horoscopes maybe won’t fly for hardcore believers, but she gets at something deeper with her horoscopes that I appreciate — that is, she appreciates horoscopes for “the tools they give us for understanding the actual weirdness of our lives.” Her horoscopes are sometimes silly and sometimes serious, but always joyful in the face of an unknown future.
David Scoroposki is a real, honest-to-god astrologer whose most famous weekly horoscope series happens to tell the future using the power of GIFs. The written horoscopes themselves are often pretty typical, but the GIFs are weirdly illustrative — there’s nothing like Tom Haverford relaxing under a mountain made of pillows to remind you to chill out, you know?