There are things about childhood that we all miss. Our parents waiting on us hand and foot. Not being tied to the shackles of student loan debt. And of course, all that sweet innocence which protected you from those secretly dirty jokes in your favorite kid's movies and TV shows. That's right — nothing is sacred, not even animated feature films. No worries if you missed the wealth of dirty jokes there are in these movies. I'm about to blow this thing wide open and point put everything you probably missed when you watched children's films like Hercules or The Santa Claus as a kid. (Hint: Hold on tightly to your naïve feelings about Shrek while you can.)
It's no secret that children's shows and movies are frequently a vector for sneaky adult jokes, but some of them really go above and beyond. Nickelodeon shows for instance, sometimes include casual sexual innuendo. But it's not just TV — it seems that most movies that captured the hearts and souls of young adults circa 20 years ago just had to sneak in a joke (or several) that went way over kids' heads.
It's time to grow up. Here are some jokes you may have missed as a child.
This Creep-Tastic Bus Driver In Hocus Pocus
When you revisit Hocus Pocus this Halloween season, look out for this horrible bus driver. The Sanderson sisters should be carrying mace on them at all times.
When Santa Claus Had A Checkered Past
In Tim Allen's The Santa Clause, his young son is delighted when his dad puts on that santa suit and begins to fly. But to reassure him, Allen tells him, "It’s OK, I’m used to it. I lived through the ’60s!" Not saying that it's a drug endorsement — but Santa didn't seem to be revealing his past as a warning, if you know what I mean.
When The Computer In The Brave Little Toaster Gets A Surge
Seems like it's his ... first time.
When Hercules Makes An Oedipus Joke
Credit is due here for Disney daring to make a joke that's pretty esoteric and also inappropriate. Hercules: "That Oedipus thing? Man, I thought I had problems!" No nine-year-old should know the story of Oedipus killing his dad and marrying his mom.
This Visual Wordplay In Toy Story
A VERY subtle prostitute joke ... but a prostitute joke nonetheless. The name of that toy is "Legs," and it's a hook balanced on some Barbie legs. Get it? GET IT? She's a hooker. In a kids' movie.
Those "Performances Issues" In Space Jam
Dr. Ewing: "Are there any other areas aside from basketball that you find yourself ... unable to perform?" Yeah — I don't think he's talking about public speaking.
Basically All Of Shrek
Shrek should not be considered a children's movie, to be honest. The entire thing is full of totally adult humor. (I mean, Lord Farquaad? Obviously similar to "f*ckwad.") But the "compensation" exchange Shrek and Donkey have as they roll up to the Lord's castle really takes the inappropriate cake.
Alfalfa's Hair In Little Rascals
Gee, what could that be about? (You know exactly what it's about.)
Shaggy Really Loves Mary Jane
There's a reason Shaggy and Scooby were always jonesin' for Scooby Snacks ...
When Jesse "Impresses" Buzz Lightyear In Toy Story 2
They did it again!
This Creative Cursing In Madagascar
Sugar Honey Iced Tea, anyone?
I hope this post has left you changed. Open your eyes — innocence is a lie, even in kids movies.