26 Insane 'Goonies' Moments You Need To Re-Live Immediately
As a final farewell to the summer season, I recently attended a local screening of The Goonies for yet another bad movie re-watch. With The Goonies turning 30 in June and rumors of a sequel permeating the news cycle, it felt like the perfect last adventure to end our summertime bad movie rewatch (although it takes place in fall, whatever). Mainly, this is because The Goonies is a weird movie, and to actually paraphrase a friend, "Goonies is like a Hot Topic t-shirt movie." And that's not necessarily a bad thing, it just means that the movie's cult status mars the fact that it is soooooo ridiculous.
I think even hardcore fans will have a hard time arguing this with me. The Goonies is a beloved classic — I get it. But, for all its quirk, charm, and lumps of childhood wonder, is a convoluted movie about... treasure or something? Real estate? A crime family printing out money? Honestly, I'm not 100 percent sure what the film is about, and maybe that's my problem. It runs about 20 minutes too long, and those last five minutes the most insane thing I've ever seen in my life.
Still, it made for a great pre-autumn rendezvous, and I had a lot of fun capturing the wackiness. So in chronological order, here is all the insanity in your favorite childhood classic, The Goonies.
1. Pepsi: Your Favorite Pink, Frothy Drink
I have really fond memories of the soda as a child, along with that grand adolescent pastime... pizza-smearing.
2. I, Too, Tend To Frame All My Treasure Maps
3. "Oh God Am I Depressed," Chunk Says, Funneling Whipped Cream Into His Gullet
He is all of us.
4. The '80s
In case you forgot.
5. That's "Water" In Those Glasses
Just another quality meal at Olive Garden. (Breadsticks are good, though.)
6. This Speared... Bird Thing?
I'm frightened by the logistics of this.
7. The Counterfeit Dollars Don't Have Any Back Printed Out
Not really bright, those Fratellis.
8. The Fact That Chunk Is Able To "Smell" Ice Cream Through A Locked Freezer
Whereas the average person can't smell ice cream unless they're, like, head first in a bucket of mint chocolate chip.
Also he somehow doesn't smell Inexplicable Corpse.
9. This Oscar-Worthy Cryface
It puts Kim Kardashian to shame.
10. "Look, A Waterfall!"*
11. "This One, This One Right Here, This Was My Dream, My Wish. And It Didn't Come True. So I'm Taking It Back."
I know he's speaking in metaphors, but he says it with a lot of certainty considering he can't tell the difference between President Kennedy and Martin Sheen.
12. HASHTAG NO FILTER
13. When They Try To Hoist Andy Up Using The Bucket
Yeah, OK, seems legit.
14. Meanwhile, Chunk and Sloth Are Casually Making Out In The Dark
They're the real power couple of this franchise.
15. I'm Pretty Sure I Can Buy This At Spirit Halloween?
No snark, just really excited for the holiday.
16. OK, Now This Is Just Getting Obscene
50 Shades of Mouth.
17. This Superman Shirt That Was Just Under His Outfit The Entire Time?
A chained mutant in a secret hideaway I can believe, but this? This is just incredulous.
18. This Dramatic Farewell
"I'LL NEVER LET GO, SLOTH! I'LL NEVER LET GO!"
And now for the lightening round...
19. Chunk's Parents Greet Him With Dominos
And he is visibly more happy to see pizza then he is to see his family.
20. This Entire Exchange
21. "You Keep Kissing Girls The Way You Do, The Parts Of You That Don't Work So Good... They'll Catch Up To The Ones That Do."
I do find it kind of distasteful that she macks on his brother immediately after.
"NOM NOM NOM NOM."
22. "You're Gonna Live With Me Now."
"I'm gonna take care of you. Because I love you."
OK, but seriously, did he just go up to his parents like, "Mom, dad, can we keep him?"
WHATEVER, ROLL CREDITS.
Images: Warner Bros. (30)