While a man may never know what it feels like to give birth, a woman will never know what it feels like to get kicked in the balls. I understand this could be considered an unfair comparison, as I’m sure giving birth is far more painful than a swift kick to the nuts. But at the end of the day, it’s all I’ve got, so I’m going to run with it. I will say I’ve heard that it’s quite painful to be kicked in the vagina as well, but I promise — actually, no, guarantee — you that it pales in comparison to being kicked in the balls.
A kick to the balls is something that is incredibly painful but also very difficult to describe, but I will try my best if it means never getting kicked in the nuts again.
When someone gets kicked in the balls, it's like their testicles have a headache — or more accurately, a migraine, depending on how hard his balls were hit — to which the impact affects his stomach, which has become upset and causes him to feel as if he’s about to defecate all over the floor, or paint the room’s walls in vomit.
Because of this pain, he keels over as if he’s about to birth his own testicles without an epidural. His balls are nothing more than two oval-shaped bruises at this point, to which the only feasible remedy is to curl up in a fetal position and curse out the person responsible for all of this.
Why Does It Feel Like That?
Testicles are crucial to procreating, and since — unlike ovaries — these organs literally hang outside of a man's body, they’re extremely vulnerable to injury. Because of this weakness, a man’s testicles are covered in an abundance of pain neurons (known as nociceptors) which alert him that, when hit, something’s going to hurt — a lot.
When a man is kicked in the junk, these nociceptors go on a mission throughout the body to let a man know what kind of pain he’s in for, but in order to do that, they must make their way through nerves in the stomach — particularly the vagus nerve, which runs from the brain through the face and down to the stomach and groin.
Of course, getting kicked in the balls affects all these areas, since this is the path they must travel, which in turn causes nausea, vomiting, headaches, dizziness, and yes, sometimes even crying. The effects of which can last up to an hour.
The Recovery Process:
Assuming you weren't the one to kick him in the balls, you'll probably want to help ASAP. To help him out in this time of need, have him lay flat on his back and provide him with a sports drink to replenish his fluids, believe it or not, this is what's professionally recommended.
Even the slightest of taps to a guy's groin can bring a man to his knees, and that’s a sorry sight for both of you — unless he’s about to propose. In which case: congratulations!
Want more of Bustle's Sex and Relationships coverage? Check out our video on sex positions for small penises:
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