Zooey Deschanel Says Her Daughter Is Running For President & Here's Why Celeb Babies Are Totally Our Next Leaders
The 2016 presidential election will go down in history as one of the zaniest elections in modern American history. Candidate Donald Trump treats every human interaction like a Real Housewives reunion, and Hillary Clinton seems to spend most her time essentially saying, "Sorry, I'm not sorry." The field of candidates this year is deep and diverse — even a Kentucky feline named Limberbutt McCubbins has announced his intention to run (yes, really). And now, there's another name to add to the list: Zooey Deschanel's baby. That's right, Deschanel announced her daughter's 2016 candidacy for president via Twitter.
Deschanel and husband Jacob Pechenik have yet to publicly announce their newborn daughter's name, and this unknown lends a sense of puzzlement to the proceeding. But I'm intrigued, in the same way I am intrigued by mystery flavored Dum Dums, especially because, let's face it, a baby running for president is not the strangest thing happening in this race. Hell, the candidate Deez Nuts is polling at 8 percent in Minnesota. That means, if the general elections were held today, the third-place winner would be a 15-year-old kid from Iowa named after a viral video. Isn't America grand?
Baby Girl Deschanel remains mum on where she stands on the hot button issues of immigration or abortion. This forces me to use my deduction skills and limited knowledge of Zooey Deschanel trivia to formulate a platform for the tiny candidate. The little girl's campaign song of "This Land Is Your Land" by Woodie Guthrie would evoke her earthiness and dedication to protecting the environment. I can also assume that Baby G. Deschanel will be a staunch supporter of an Etsy-based market economy. She will also ban Death Cab for Cutie music and make "In the Sun" by She & Him the national anthem. The Deschanel baby will add needlepoint and 500 Days of Summer viewings to the National Core Curriculum. Her official stance on rompers is TBD.
This really got me thinking about which other celebrity babies should run for public office. True, a small child only beginning to master its fine motor skills wouldn't be an ideal candidate, but then again, a lot of the candidates currently in the race don't seem to be great choices, either. So here are my picks for potential 2016 presidential candidates.
Red, white, and Blue Ivy.
Famous Parents: Jay Z and Beyoncé
Campaign Slogan: "If You Like It Then You Should Put a Presidential Nomination on It"
Campaign Song: "Run the World (Girls)" by Beyoncé
Titan Jewell Witherspoon
Would make a fine running mate for Blue Ivy.
Famous Parents: Kelly Rowland
Campaign Slogan: "Whatever Blue Ivy Says Is Good With Me"
Campaign Song: "Love on Top" by Beyoncé
Once he learns the Pledge of Allegiance, he'll be fit to run the nation.
Famous Parents: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris
Campaign Slogan: Jack's more a physical comedy kind of guy, no slogan required.
Campaign Song: "Rockin' in the USA" by Kiss
Prince George of Cambridge
Will be in favor of reinstating the monarchy.
Famous Parents: The Duke and Duchess of CambridgeCampaign Slogan: "Long Live the Prince"Campaign Song: "Start Me Up" by The Rolling Stones
Rockwell Lloyd Liu
Would rock the presidency well.
Famous Parent: Lucy LiuCampaign Slogan: "Vote for Me, My Mom Is a Badass"Campaign Song: "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor
Handles emergency calls like a pro.
Famous Parent: Reese WitherspoonCampaign Slogan: "I'm the Only Ten-You'll-See"Campaign Song: "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyrd
A pro-selfie candidate.
Famous Parents: Kanye West and Kim Kardashian-West
Campaign Slogan: "Let's Contour America's Economy"
Campaign Song: "Power" by Kanye West
Watch out Trump — you've got some tiny competition headed your way.