When you think fall, you probably conjure up images of a couple of things: Plaid blankets, hot chocolate, sweaters as cozy as cuddles, and the return of afternoons walking in heeled boots. As a gal who never learned how to walk in heels, I sometimes feel like I'm missing out in life. My fancy dresses are paired with shiny flats while other women breeze by in total glamour. Those flats don’t quite make the same noise, and they don’t give you the same feels. Thin dresses are made flirty with strappy stilettos, after all, and rough-looking jeans reach streetstyle proportions when paired with three inches of height. When you look like Bambi figuring out to walk for the first time in a pair, however, you stick to your lace-up flats and your on-trend sneakers.
But sometimes a shoe is just so tempting — so, so tempting — that you can’t help but leave all sense at the door. With autumn briskly showing summer the exit, fall boots are making their way back into shop windows and closet shelves. Now that everyone and their grandmother is opting for a pair in buttery caramels and velvety blacks, it’s hard not to have a lapse of judgment and join in.
Below are seven things that happen when you join the heeled boot bandwagon without learning how to walk in heels first.
1. You Convince Yourself You've Got This
Why is it that when you’re at home, you have the strut of Cara Delevingne? I’m pretty sure I could do a cartwheel in stilettos from one side of the hallway to the other with perfect formation, but the second I lock my door and head to the elevator, I’m teetering like a tightrope walker on a windy day.
This is something we choose to forget to know, of course. So while I’m walking around my house — with the comfort of soft surfaces to fall into — I’m thinking I’ve had this natural ability all along. I could probably run for the bus in these if I wanted. Maybe I should leave a little later since I now have that option?
Nope, you're just being a fool.
2. You Suddenly Feel Abnormally Gigantic
As someone who usually stays close to the ground in her flats, wearing booties that clock you in at three inches taller feels strange. Really strange. The air somehow feels thinner up here, and you now have the urge to slightly duck every time you walk through a door. Just in case. When you’re 5’10" like me, well, you're now a solid 6'1".
3. You Completely Forget How Legs Work
The second I have to walk further than five steps in these contraptions, I forget how to use my legs. Are my knees supposed to bend, because it seems like this whole walking-on-stilts type of movement I have going on here is working for me? "Working for me" as in, I haven’t fallen flat on my face in front of a big group of people yet.
4. You Probably Eventually Feel Smug When You Have No Right To Be
Somewhere along the day, you get something akin to a second wind during which — among all the vehement wishes you stuck to flats and the wild ideas of just walking barefoot in your socks — you feel incredibly stylish. Maybe you spotted yourself in a store window or maybe you’ve really been digging the solid tap of boot on pavement. Whatever the reason, you feel like it’s all been worth it. As long as no ankles roll, that is.
5. Then You'll Look Like You’re Descending The Bean Stalk
All I can think of is, “Clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp.” With every step down, the villagers below shake. How do the rest of the girls daintily run down the train steps? What do you guys know that I don't?
6. You'll Decide You Didn’t Want To Have Plans That Day, Anyway
So what if you were supposed to meet up with an old friend for dinner that night? Or had a date with that one neighbor you were eyeing in the elevator for months and months? With these heels on, you feel like that might not be the best idea. You wanted it to be a Netflix-and-boxed-wine kind off night anyway. You were just looking for an excuse to cancel.
Or so says the throbbing coming from your feet.
7. And Opt For The Go-To Shuffle Of The Inexperienced
You can always spot a woman who never wears heels because of the shuffle she slides into at the end of the day: Movement is at a minimum, and she sort of limps and hobbles her way down the road, trying not to think of the blocks she still has to go. I always have the urge to salute her like a fallen comrade, mostly because I'm doing that same shuffle just in the opposite direction. Oh the things we do for fashion.