10 Distinct Feelings Every Liberal Has While Watching The Republican Debates
The GOP debates are a time for deep political discussions and insightful commentary from each of the candidates involved. I'm kidding, they're actually just a great opportunity to watch 11 people duke it out for the title of "Most Right-Wing" or "Least Likely to Understand What 'Separation of Church and State' Means." For Republicans, the quadrennial debate festivities drudge up painful memories of angry mud-slinging, arguments over religion, and Rick Perry's unfortunate "'Oops' Heard Round The World." But for liberals, the Republican debates trigger a wave of feelings and reactions as well... albeit slightly different ones.
Ranging from exasperated eye-rolls over Donald Trump's third sexist joke of the evening to the desire to slam one's head against a wall repeatedly over the phrase "I'm not a scientist, but," the general atmosphere on the left side of the political aisle on Wednesday night will no doubt be one of hilarious frustration.
Unfortunately, it seems that the Commander in Chief himself has urged everyone (whether they lean conservative or liberal) to tune into the Republican debates, even if they really, really don't want to.
"Tune in, listen carefully to what the Republican candidates for president say, and then hold them accountable for trying to undo all of the hard work we’ve done to move this country forward," President Obama wrote in an email to Democratic voters in August. So there you have it: Cancel your Wednesday night plans to Netflix-binge episodes of House, M.D and get ready to watch the debate instead. (Thanks a lot, Obama.)
Here are a few of the feelings liberals may expect to feel:
Women's Health-Related Sadness
"Fetus. Fetus. It's a fetus. Stop using the word 'baby', for god's sake!" Other frustrated thoughts might include: "No uterus, no opinion," or the ever-popular "I asked my boss to give me health insurance that covered my birth control and all I got was this lousy Supreme Court decision."
Climate Change Denial-Based Frustration
"I'm not a scientist? Then why are you doing the climate scientists' jobs for them, BEN??!"
Donald Trump-Related Joy
What is he saying? This could turn out to be a very active drinking game. Bottoms-up!
Donald Trump-Related Confusion
"If Donald Trump's hair is real... then WHO'S DRIVING THE CAR?"
Ben Carson-Based Maternal Instincts
He's such a sweet, tiny baby. A tiny baby that doesn't believe in man-made climate change and thinks God chose him to run for president (eat that, Trump!), but a tiny political baby all the same. We must protect him at all costs!
Marco Rubio-Based Internal Conflict
Look at that cute smile! That boyish charm! That friendship with Pitbull! I want to dislike him, but I. Just. Can't.
Fear Of Ted Cruz
Just fear. Pure, unadulterated fear. Look at him, standing there with that strangely gel-coiffed mane, tweeting about butter-cows... If you aren't scared already, you will be after Wednesday night.
Secondhand Embarrassment For Scott Walker
"Why is he so monotone and why does he keep talking about unions?" (No matter what the question is, Scott Walker wants you to know that unions suck!)
Or, you know. Just a general lack of discussion about racial tensions in the United States.
Joy (When It's Over & You Realize You Successfully Made It Through The Debate!)
You did it! We all did it! Now go take a nap, that was a lot of heavy lifting, trying to make sense of all that gibberish.