Like a lot of people who grew up with parents who told them stories about people getting murdered by strangers on the internet, I am a skittish online dater. But today, my friends, is the day that I downloaded Sizzl the bacon dating app, and also the day that I embrace my millennial destiny and throw caution to the wind — or, in this case, into the frying pan. Created by Oscar Mayer, an obvious authority on bacon, it goes through a battery of very important personality (read: bacon) questions before using its magical powers to match you with your sizzlin' soulmate.
I don't know about you guys, but this is pretty much all the confirmation I need from the universe that I am not, in fact, going to die alone. The 24 years of my existence were all leading up to the creation of this app, where I am (duh) going to meet my soulmate, and we are (double duh) going to Netflix and Fry Bacon (the lazy human's equivalent to Netflix and Chill). Today I took the first few steps on the road that will lead to my destiny. Here, fellow single people who understand the glory of eating breakfast for all meals, is how to follow your bacon bliss:
1. Set Up Your Account
I'm gonna hit pause real quick here so we can all admire the one bacon pun I could think of on the spot.
2. Answer These Extremely Relevant Questions About Yourself
As with any dating app, it is important that you answer openly and honestly. It is also important that you understand that if you choose turkey bacon, you deserve whatever is coming to you.
3. Learn How To Use The ~Sizzle~
The more you like someone, the ~hotter~ it gets.
4. Swipe Right On Literally Everybody
Really, the only shortcoming with this app is that you can't use it to propose marriage on the spot.
So what are you waiting for, beautiful brunchers? Do your part for humanity and get yourself on this app. (No, seriously. There are like ten people on it right now and not enough bacon to go around. It's about to get real hangry up in here.) Your bacon soulmate is only a Sizzl away.
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Images: Emma Lord (8)