4 Things You Should Know If You Lost "The One"

by Brianna Wiest

I don't know that there is really anything else to describe the particular kind of hell that is losing someone you think is "The One." All of your hopes and dreams are tied up in one little person, and when they step away, you feel like you're losing everything. It's never heartbreak that really makes people suffer ... it's everything we've chalked up to the person who left. Namely: our future happiness.

The funny thing is that everybody loses someone they think is "The One," at one point or another. It's never about whether or not you find "The One" but whether or not you're looking. People who won't have any relationship other than the one with Mr. or Ms. Right won't find the love they're looking for, at the end of the day. This is because they are trying to take bits and pieces of what they assume will work, when those things don't have any basis in reality, and as soon as you compose an idea of a person and need them to live up to it infallibly... you've already failed at the relationship.

It's not getting past heartbreak that's difficult, it's transcending our ideas about it. Losing the love of your life is brutal and absolutely gut-wrenching until the day you realize they weren't the love of your life at all. You'll smirk at how convinced you are, and be grateful for how far you've come, trust me on that one. But right out the gate, that seems like an impossible place to get to. Here are a few things you should know if you're in that place as well:

"The One" Is Never Forever — Not For Anyone

The concept of finding "the one" is essentially seeking emotional security: we want to know that someone is "Right" for us before we let ourselves completely love them. It reduces the chances of getting hurt. But no matter whether the one lasts for a week, for two years or for 30 — "The One" is not forever. Marriages end, people die. Life is transitory. The thing is that you can't wait for some pre-prescribed idea of a person over letting yourself try and feel and see what works. The people who wait are the ones who get hurt, because they get attached to an idea of one person.

You Will Think *Everyone* Is The One — Until They Aren't

We're just socially conditioned to treat dating this way: we evaluate them and our relationship based on how closely they fit the checklist of what "The One" should entail. We're inclined to think that everyone is the right person for us — otherwise we probably wouldn't be dating them. Don't feel bad if you have to go through five relationships that you think are "it" until you actually, you know, find the right one.

It's Your Attachment To An Idea That Hurts The Most

If you're still scrambling for reasons why you'll get back together, why things have to work out, if you're still holding onto little "signs" and comments they made as proof, if you're searching for some existential evidence that they are fated to be your partner ... they probably aren't. People only have to do that when they know that they definitely aren't meant to be with someone. If you're confident about your relationship, you don't have to seek proof. The reality is cold and hard and worth it. Be able to face your heartbreak, don't let it drag out for as long as you can go.

You Must Rebuild Your Life

Some people wouldn't agree with this, but I believe it wholeheartedly: if you want to get past a relationship, especially one that all but defined your life, you must change it completely. If you are truly suffering over the loss of someone, you have to build a new life without them in it ... you will never be able to patch up the holes your old life leaves you with. This may seem as though I'm suggesting you should change your life based on whether or not someone is in it, but it's really more that you should change your life when it's time to move on. Nobody stays anywhere for long.

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