Don't beat yourself up if you're more excited about Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence's budding friendship than you are any relationship in your actual, real-life life. The two are so on the same wavelength that, after Schumer won an Emmy award for Outstanding Variety Sketch series, it wasn't her mom or dad's text message that delighted her — it was a text Lawrence sent, which sounded like she could have written it herself: "Jennifer sent me a really sweet text," Schumer told Entertainment Tonight backstage. "She said that I looked pretty but not smart."
I predict a backlash will soon occur in female friendships everywhere as one party realizes the other is not providing enough mock criticism of her appearance or is refusing to hold her up in their human pyramid for the sake of a good Instagram photo. Their union is so magical, their personalities so perfectly in sync, that there has to be an even greater force responsible for their meeting up than mere fate. Schumer and Lawrence are twins separated at birth — I'm absolutely, 100 percent sure of it.
Before you throw their ages in my face, put your silly facts back in your pocket. Sure, Schumer's 34 and Lawrence is 25, but couldn't you just as easily swap their ages and think, hey, that works, too? Lawrence isn't flitting around from one music festival to the next, nor is Schumer at home on Friday night knitting booties for her future grandkids (um, not that 34-year-old's do that, but for the sake of making a point...). Instead of arguing about boring facts, here are four examples of how Schumer and Lawrence are, actually, the exact same person.
1. They Rave About Food
Nothing tastes as good as potato chips look. Neither Schumer nor Lawrence buy into the myth that beautiful women need to be starving at all times. Case in point, when the comedian revealed her pre-Emmy game plan, which included toast (buttered, I hope) and when Lawrence took up valuable interview time waxing poetic about her love of pizza, french fries, and all other forms of junk food.
2. Neither Is Ashamed Of Farting
Schumer wasn't afraid of tackling the issue of farting as part of one of her hilarious sketches, in which she plays a woman who farts whenever she is afraid. As for Lawrence, she made men around the world swoon by admitting her dream guy is someone who isn't afraid to fart in front of her because she'd "rather have just a peaceful time."
3. They Both Love A Good Happy Hour
Lawrence has a little habit of falling down at awards shows, most likely the result of an abundance of material constricting her legs and hips during fancy times. But she often jokes about alcohol and even blamed her tripping on too much of a good time, something a writer from Esquire jokingly chastised her for, warning her not to end up like Sean Young. But, at the end of the day, I take it she doesn't shy away from kicking back with a beer, which is something she totally has in common with her partner in crime:
Can you picture anything on Earth — sex, steak, roller coasters, anything? — being as much fun as happy hour with these two?
4. They're Both Obsessed With Real Housewives
Schumer created the single best Real Housewives audition tape the world has ever seen, in which she admitted she would move anywhere (Newark, Cincinnati, you name it) in order to sleep with married men and wear sequin dresses all day long. She even weighed in on Watch What Happens Live, nominating Real Housewives of Atlanta's Porsha Williams as the biggest train wreck of them all. "I think at the end of the day, when I picture all of the housewives, I picture her in the fetal position crying in the shower," she said.
As for Lawrence, the star interviewed Eddie Redmayne for Interview Magazine and went completely bananas when he took their interview in another direction. After the actor revealed that he's a fan of Housewives, Lawrence got very excited and shared:
I feel like I'm going to cry. We're making a breakthrough. I went to Pump the other night to meet [restaurateur and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star] Lisa Vanderpump. I had her sign a bottle of vodka, and when she gave it to my friend who was with me at the Oscars, my friend said, "Jennifer, this is so much better than the Oscars!" [laughs] We took so many pictures with her. We were like, [referring to season four of the show] "Puerto Rico was a witch hunt. Brandi [Glanville] and Kyle [Richards] were so mean!"
If they aren't actually sisters separated at birth, few things will keep me from believing that they soul mates sent here from the same planet to show us all how to live.
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