What Women Really Think When A Man Can't Come

Have you ever thought, "WTF, why can't he finish?" There’s an expectation in our culture that men will always orgasm and that they’ll always ejaculate when they do. Well, neither of those things is true. And not only are both of those assumptions untrue, but they’re also harmful to how people interact in the bedroom. When a man can’t have an orgasm or doesn’t ejaculate, all too often his partner thinks that something is wrong. Maybe they’re not sexy enough or their partner isn't attracted to them anymore or they’re not satisfying his needs. What is really just a normal part of human sexuality turns into a problem and an issue that can all too often lead to tears and misunderstanding and ugh, who wants that?

But I totally get it. I’ve been there too, especially when I was younger. When we’re raised to think that men are always raring to go and that they’re so turned on all the time that premature ejaculation is a national joke, of course we’re going to think something is wrong the first few times we’re faced with a man who can’t come! However, as I’ve gotten older and had more experience with men and their penises I’ve learned that just like I don’t always come — or ejaculate — guys have times when they’re not going to come either. It doesn’t mean our relationship is flawed or I’m not hot enough. It just means that he’s not going to have an orgasm this time and that’s OK.

I reached out to 15 women to see what they think and do when they’re faced with an orgasmless man. Do they collapse into a pile of tears? Pull out the tiny violin and play it a funeral dirge? Shrug it off? Keep reading to find out.

1. Katie, 26

I used to think, that I must really suck at sex, because guys come easily and if they aren't this time it must be my fault, right? Luckily, I have a healthier view now... and my thought is usually: "Now I can haz noms?" Because, really, what's there to think about? It happens, regardless of gender.

2. Elisabeth, 25

Oh my god...please let this be over before it gets to the point where I'm sore tomorrow. Should I amp up the sexy noises? WHAT WILL END THIS?!?!

3. Claire, 22

I recently started dating a guy who blows me away in bed. Problem is, I'm usually so preoccupied with my own orgasm, I have to ask him if he’s finished. This has never happened to me before (though maybe I’ve slept with men who come more quickly in the past). I’m surprised and happy to report that I celebrate my own orgasm either way. “Woo! That was great for me,” is the first thing I think when a guy can’t come and I can.

4. Sara, 29

It happened to me on two different one-night stands. It appears they were intimidated, as in they hadn't had sex for a long time and were daunted by the pressure of the task. But they both gave fabulous head to reassure me that they weren't repulsed. When my BF can't come, it's always because of alcohol. If it was ever my fault, I would NOT want to know, haha.

5. Lola, 24

He probably masturbates in a particular way that has trained him to only come from particular stimulation (i.e. super fast, hard, with porn, etc.). Or just that he's nervous.

6. EL, 31

It's normal, happens all the time.

7. Jen, 30

He drank too much.

8. Theresa, 32

That this is rapidly going to disintegrate into an unenjoyable sexual experience, where my options are to let him hump my vag raw, or ask if we can stop and look like a total a-hole. Source: three consecutive BFs who could almost never come due to antidepressants.

9. Anberlin, 23

First, I get sad that he didn't finish and it feels like I didn't do my best to help him finish. But I also realize it happens, and that he probably feels frustrated (heh), so I try to let him know it's OK. It's happened a couple times with my current boyfriend, who always goes above and beyond to make me feel good. So I try to give just as much effort. But it happens.

10. Pamela, 29

That he watches too much porn! Many of them have this problem (if mildly) but won't admit it.

11. Kirsty, 33

He's distracted.

12. Cathy, 30

What am I doing wrong?

13. S, 28

I think it's biologically normal. I never really ask why but I resume it's wanting to please you or something else you don't know. I've moved away from thinking it has to do with me. Women, people, get caught up about being worried.

14. Jess, 27

Sometimes I'm concerned, sometimes I don't care (depending on in on the situation and the person). So either I'll try to discuss needs, or let it go. Sometimes there's too much pressure to come.

15. Ruby, 28

I used to freak out a lot about it when I was younger, with long, drawn-out conversations with my first boyfriend. These days I'm just like, "You sure you don't want a blow job? No? OK cool." and go right to cuddle time.

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