Sure, movies that star one or more of the Avengers are now massive global events, and their box office receipts suggest that pretty much everyone sees them. But this list isn’t for those casual viewers, but for hardcore Avengers fans who tag along to the IMAX theater because that’s what everyone they know is doing that weekend. This list is for the serious Avengers fanatics — the ones who rotate between Cap, Iron Man, and Hulk pajamas, drink their coffee out of S.H.I.E.L.D. mugs, and have the Marvel release schedule for the next decade already programmed into their iCals. In other words: the cool people, who know what’s up.
Being such a diehard Avengers fan isn’t always easy. First of all, you often have to wait years in between seeing your heroes on screen, though ABC is doing its best to fill the gaps with Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. and Agent Carter. Still, it’s not the same. Nothing beats the feeling of purchasing that advance ticket, marking the days until the midnight premiere, and then settling into a sticky theater seat with a vat of buttered popcorn just as the lights go down. Anyway, the hiatus between movies is just the tip of the iceberg for Avengers fans. See if you recognize these other struggles.
1. Your Friends Know Not To Mention Hammers, Farmhouses, Or Shwarma In Front Of You, For Fear Of Launching You Into Another Avengers Monologue
"There she goes again."
2. You Have A Serious Thing For That Guy Who Wants To Kill Everyone You Love
Yes, he's a sociopath and a compulsive liar, but he really loves his mom. That counts for something, right?
3. Steggy Feelings Can Derail Your Whole Day
And you've read every "Steve & Peggy Finally Get Their Dance" piece of fan fiction on the internet three times over already.
4. Stucky Feelings Can Also Derail Your Whole Day
Double the Steve Rogers OTPs, double the pain and heartbreak.
5. You Needed A Few Days To Process The Confirmed Team Divides For Civil War
Just love each other, you jerks. Why must my loyalties be tested? How can I possibly pick a side?
6. You Feel A Sudden & Inexplicable Need To Adopt A Golden Retriever
"Here, Thor, here! Good boy."
7. You Try To Model Every Friendship After The "Science Bros" But People Just Find It Offensive & Then Nobody Wants To Hang Out
Turns out "Tony Stark" isn't a personality type that works in the real world. There's something about all that arrogance minus Robert Downey Jr.'s tight t-shirts that rubs people the wrong way.
8. You're The One Who Always Has To Field Questions About Clint's Endless Supply Of Arrows & Honestly, It's Getting Exhausting
It's called "suspension of disbelief," everybody. Just accept it.
9. You're Sick Of Falling In Love With Avengers Merch Just To Look Closer & Realize There's No Black Widow
Natasha would stand for none of this material misogyny.
10. After Draining So Many "Small" Movie Theater Sodas & Then Sitting Through Every Marvel Post-Credits Scene, You Know The Exact Limit Of Your Bladder Control
Maybe if the credits themselves weren't roughly 17 minutes long, being an Avengers fan would be a more comfortable experience.
11. You're Starting To Think An Eye Patch Might Be A Nice Addition To Your Wardrobe
With a few Swarovski crystals sewn on? Baller.
12. Every WiFi Network You've Ever Had Has Been Named JARVIS
And you secretly talk to it when no one else is around. Someday, he'll answer. He will.
13. You'd Go To Extreme Lengths To Protect Bruce Banner, If Only He Were Real...
He's so pure of heart, you guys. He doesn't deserve this!
14. ...Then Again, It's Better For Your Blood Pressure If You Just Assume All The Avengers Are Real
How else do you explain why this planet hasn't been taken over by aliens or vengeful gods yet?
All in all, the pros of being a crazy-dedicated Avengers fan far outweigh the cons.
Images: Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures; Giphy (14)