We've seen quite a bit of sex over the past year. Some of it was hot, some of it was not, and far too much of it involved the pseudonym "Carlos Danger," which was just confusing for everyone.
One thing's for sure: we could all definitely stand to have better sex in the coming year. I don't care if you had gross/hot 50 Shades sex every night of 2013; it can always get better. Plus, "I will get laid and it will be awesome" is a much better New Year's resolution than, "I will get straight A's and lose five pounds" (which were totally not my New Year's resolutions from ages nine to 21) (OK, they obviously were).
We've compiled a list of five ways to have ghost-pepper-hot sex in the coming year. (In case you were wondering, some absolutely preposterous dude in Louisville, Kentucky broke the world record for ghost pepper consumption last week, and now I'm very interested in ghost peppers.) Whether you're looking to learn from the biggest sex snafus of 2013, or you're just looking for some good ol' common sense, you'll find it below.
1. Pick a significantly better sexting name than Carlos Danger
Sorry to beat a dead horse, but Carlos Danger? Really? I don't know, Anth — I just don't know. If in 2014 you decide to pick a super-secret sexting name, maybe go for something that does not sound like it may have been pulled straight from the scrapped rough copy of Top Gun. Anyway, beyond not selecting a weirdo sexting alias, also make sure that your sexts are actually sexy. So, not at all like these.
2. Renovate your home — in the nude
Say what you will about Miley Cyrus, but you can't deny that she's made demolition unusually sexy this year. If you've got a live-in partner, or a not-live-in partner who's not terribly likely to bolt at anything too commitment-y sounding, consider taking on a little home renovation project together. A naked home renovation project. Yeah, baby, tile that floor. Lick that hammer.
Ughhhh, I know, boring, but really you should. In researching this story, I've seen like a hundred annoying articles that I'm not even going to deign to link to by vaguely sociopathic dudes who assume that experimenting with BDSM or whatever means not asking their partners for permission. THIS IS INCORRECT. Always talk about stuff when consent is involved, period. Bonus points: dirty talking about stuff!
4. Step up your sexercise GAME
Who else remembers that annoying study from this fall that suggested that sex is better exercise for men than women? (I am doubtful. I've boned some lazy dudes.) Because I love nothing more than proving dubious scientific studies wrong, I suggest that we all rage against the machine. Let's get some calisthenic sex going! Maybe some intense yoga poses interspersed with vigorous, er, cardio? It'll either lead to really hot sex or really goofy sex that puts one of you in the ER. So, you know, try for the former.
5. Mega-surprise your lover
If anything has renewed my faith in the value of a colossal surprise (not creepy surprise non-consensual BDSM, aka sexual assault! Per above!), it was Beyoncé being so Beyoncé and dropping that staggering surprise record on Dec. 13. I suggest we all take a cue from Queen Bey and plan a super-ultra-mega surprise for our lucky suitors. Keeping in tune with that "communicate" tip, you can surprise 'em with something sexual that you've discussed and been meaning to try, but haven't gotten around to yet. (Elaborate role play, perhaps? In which he calls you Beyoncé the entire time? Is that sacrilegious? Do you think I could get my boyfriend to call me Beyoncé?)
Main image: kadai lelaki/Flickr