Give or take a billion years ago, when I was 21, I got into my third significant LTR. The guy was 25 (so old!) and cute in a hipster-y, scruffy, art student kind of way. As is custom in the land of promiscuity and loose morals (aka Montreal) we slept together right away. And, given that I was tipsy (drunk) and didn’t care that much (insecure), when he asked me after about 10-ish minutes of missionary whether I had had an orgasm, I lied and said yes. It was already a bit awkward to have someone I hardly knew all up in my junk and even though I knew what would make me come (oral sex) I didn’t want to complicate our romantic evening of beers and medium-good small talk. Also, to be honest, whenever I slept with a guy for the first time and he didn’t automatically go down on me, I would wonder what was wrong with him. Like, he’s been in a five-year relationship, did his ex-gf just hate getting head? Is he just being lazy with me because this is potentially a one-night stand? Oh man, maybe all the women he’s ever been with have been faking orgasms the whole time and he has no idea and no way do I want to be the person to break that news to him. Also, five beers, zzzz.
Anyway, as luck would have it, this guy and I ended up in a two-ish year relationship. And, somehow, for the first year of this relationship, I faked every single “orgasm” I had with him. Notice the passive language I’m using? “Ended up” and “somehow” are expressions you use when you’re denying your involvement in the things that “just happen to happen” to you in your life. Guys, I’m smart, I was 21, but there were lots of reasons why I dated this guy (loneliness, regular sex, to silence that gnawing feeling inside) but I’ll bore you (move you to tears) with that little case study in a much more heart-wrenching post.
I Was Spreading Misinformation
What I’m saying is this that even though, I still kinda think this guy should have tried to go down on me on the first night, it’s not really his fault after I falsified information and ultimately took a year to get up the guts to tell him what I really wanted in bed.
The Self-Blame And Shame
And, you know, I was not about to write a letter confessing my lie to my “decent human being” but commitment-phobic bf. I don’t remember whether I explicitly thought he would dump me but I was pretty intent at that point on not rocking the boat. (Insert little man in the boat not getting rocked pun here).
Oh, and if you’re wondering why I did just reach down during sex and manually get myself off, well, I’m sorry to say I need something stronger than my fingers to get the job done. I’m a vibrator-loving gal, and no, there was no way I was going to introduce that kind of awkward buzzing and noise into my already awkward relationship. I know, I was disappointed in myself too. Self-blame and shame and what feminists call cognitive dissonance was definitely playing a big part in my decision making. Barf.
The Wake-Up Call
And that was when it struck me. This Is How He Feels Every. Single. Time. We. Have. Sex.
Why I'm An Equal Opportunity Orgasm Enthusiast Now
Like, there was a whole rush of lovely brain chemicals and muscle contractions that I was just not privy to up until that point. And, of course, the shared experience of feeling that good together.
I’m happy to report that after this major revelation, me and BF never went back to just sex without a little downtown action first. I can’t help but think that on some level he realized that I hadn’t been coming in the beginning and that was why he kept it up. Also, I can only assume he enjoyed eating me out. But we never talked about it and our relationship ended a year later with the same confusion and emotional upheaval (mine) with which it began.
So, this is the cheeky version I tell to people when I have a little too much wine at parties (two glasses, and yes I know I’m a serious person). But, honestly, if this story can help someone feel better about faking an orgasm due to insecurity or help push you to be more honest than you have been the first, second or zillionth time you’re in bed with someone, that would be the best thing ever. As a result of this experience and others I am now a full-on equal opportunity orgasm enthusiast. Not only will it help you sleep better, it just might change the way you view sex, and hopefully, yourself.
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