Hear ye, hear ye! Sound the trumpets, for a new trailer for The Royals Season 2 has arrived. We are a little over a month away from the premiere date (October, I love you, but I cannot wait to be cradled in the arms of Nov. 15), and I am so ready to watch what most certainly will be an exquisite season of television. What can I say? I miss checking in with this fictional dysfunctional family on a weekly basis. I need the King Cyrus versus Queen Helena battle in my life right now, please and thank you.
Do you know what we viewers do not have to wait for? The Tournament of the Trailer. Yep, I picked who won this new The Royals clip. Exciting, right? The contenders: Cyrus, Helena, Liam, Eleanor, Jasper, and the Grand Duchess Alexandra of Oxford. I've selected each character's strongest moment. And then, I assigned points to each character's strongest moment. The character who gets the most points—you guessed it!— wins the trailer.
"What if there's a tie?" you ask. Well, I don't feel like dealing with a tiebreaker right now. So there won't be a tie. I'll make sure of it. OK, ready? Let us carry on with the Tournament of the Trailer.
Is Cyrus The Winner?
At a press event, Cyrus decrees that “It is time someone put the balls back on the this throne.” So lewd! So crude! So un-royal! I can dig it.
Is Helena The Winner?
Helena more or less threatens to castrate Cyrus. Be still my heart.
Is Liam The Winner?
He wants to avenge his father's death and he wants to instill hope back in the kingdom. How noble.
Is Eleanor The Winner?
Not only is she out to avenge her father's death, but she tells Jasper off for, ya know, boinking her mom. Bonus points for that amazing rainbow dress.
Is Jasper The Winnner?
He asks Eleanor to forgive him for boinking her mom. Too little too late, Jaspy Poo.
Is The Grand Duchess Alexandra of Oxford The Winner?
She breaks a dish over a dude's head. I repeat: She breaks a dish over a dude's head. Oh, and she looks as glamorous as ever while doing so. This is an insta-classic moment, and nothing you say will sway me to believe otherwise.
We have a clear victory on our hands: The Grand Duchess Alexandra of Oxford ran away with this trailer.
You really can't get much better than Joan Collins smashing a plate over some sorry bloke's skull.
Images: Frank W. Ockenfels 3/E! Entertainment; E! (6)