If "Netflix And Chill" Were Honest...

Look, kids, I was Netflix and chilling from back when you had to wait around for little red folders and you were still in grade school. I get Netflix and chill. I really do. I get the Halloween costumes. I get stocking up on popcorn. I guess the one thing I really don't get is the part where you're supposed to stop watching the movie and start making out? That's what BuzzFeed's latest video tackles: What an honest version of Netflix and chill looks like. Maybe it's time for us to jettison Netflix and chill in favor of something a little easier to navigate — because after all, good communication is essential to good sex.

Oh, you're telling me, that good sex is the entire point of Netflix and chill? You are wrong, my friends! But look, it's going to drive you crazy and make you culturally bereft (bereft!) if you only ever watch the first 20 minutes of a movie before ignoring it.

The solution is obvious to me: You need to wait until after you're done watching. OBVIOUSLY. Which is why I'm surprised that in this video, the only person who seems at all interested in the movie is the cereal-stealing roommate. Everyone else is all, "All right, getting ready to be nervous for 20 minutes about when to touch you!" and "Not actually scared, just wanted to touch your leg." Watch and see how they are doing it very, very wrong:

This drives me crazy. But maybe we can fix it if we revise "Netflix and chill" to "Netflix and chill and then bone" — that way, you get to watch your movie, spend a little time relaxing, and get down to business once you're good and ready for it (and finally put that Netflix and chill playlist to good use). The downsides of plain old Netflix and chill are numerous:

  1. Either you're denying yourself the pleasure of watching a really good movie from start to finish or you're picking a bad movie on purpose to suffer through.
  2. All those comfy clothes you put on? You have to take them off. Everything is cold and chilly now. Brrr.
  3. Planning to rewatch the movie later? Too bad, because while you were boning you heard the major plot-twist occur from the TV.
  4. It's basically like making Kevin Spacey watch you have sex. While he's eating ribs and killing dogs. Come on.

None of these things are issues when you actually Netflix and chill first, then bone later. Gentle readers, I'm calling on you to start the Netflix and chill revolution. Because dang it, every single line Titus says in The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt deserves to be heard and treasured and liberally requoted in conversations with your significant other. After all, what could be more romantic than that?

Image: James Lee/Flickr