Winter is approaching, which means it's the perfect time to schedule a vacation somewhere with plenty of sun to keep warm! If you watched the premiere of AHS: Hotel and want to stay in the Hotel Cortez, you'll be disappointed to find that it's not actually an operating hotel. (Also, why would you want to stay in the Cortez? You watched the episode, right?) Unless you're hoping to get violently attacked and/or eaten alive, I would not recommend staying anywhere similar to AHS: Hotel's Cortez. But, you can stay at a number of real hotels named Hotel Cortez and have no history of drill-dildo wielding monsters or men hiding in the mattresses.
"Cortez", as a surname, comes from the Old French word for "courteous", which is a pretty ideal name for a hotel whose business relies on providing courteous service to their customers. While the Hotel Cortez in AHS: Hotel doesn't seem to be as courteous as it is homicidal, the Cortezes that can be found in Mexico, New Zealand, Madrid, etc. seem far more respectful of their clientele. Here are the best non-murdery Hotel Cortezes from all over the globe, in case you were planning a vacation any time soon.
1. Hotel Cortezo - Madrid, Spain
Alright, so it's not an exact name match. That dangling "o" at the end kind of throws things off, but it's Madrid! One of the most beautiful cities in the world, holding some of Spain's richest history. The Hotel Cortezo doesn't seem half-bad itself, offering a sun terrace with a view of the city, a bar, and free wi-fi! That's a lot more that the AHS: Hotel Cortez can offer.
2. Hotel Cortez - Santa Cruz de la Sierra, Bolivia
The Hotel Cortez of Bolivia, located in the heart of Santa Cruz, features a warm and comforting lobby and mezzanine space, as opposed to AHS: Hotel Cortez's musty and dark interior. Bolivia's Hotel Cortez also offers room service which will 100 percent not be some kind of vampire demon child. This is a big plus in Bolivia's favor.
3. Hotel de Cortes - Ensenada, Mexico
Located in the heart of Ensenada, the luxurious Hotel de Cortes features 26 upscale rooms and is attached to the equally fancy Restaurant 1620. The AHS: Hotel Cortez does not seem to feature a restaurant, but if it did it would probably feature things like pig tongues and people burgers. Ensenada is a coastal city, which means patrons can go for a swim while patrons of AHS's Hotel Cortez are drowning in their past sins.
4. Cortez Motel - Whakatane, New Zealand
The Cortez Motel can be found in Whakatane, which was NZ's Sunshine Capital in 2012 and 2013. It is run by "Your on-site hosts, Dave and Karen" who sound far nicer than Iris and Liz Taylor. This low-key motel features a swimming pool and provides electric blankets to all rooms. Meanwhile, AHS: Hotel's Cortez offers death-by-vampire and the ghosts of former heroin addicts.
5. El Cortez Hotel & Casino - Las Vegas, Nevada
Finally, a hotel that can compare to the terror of the Hotel Cortez. The El Cortez Hotel & Casino won't just give you a place to sleep, but will offer you one of the greatest terrors of modern living: Taking a lot of your money away from you. Sure, the Hotel Cortez may take your life in a gruesome manner, but the El Cortez will make your student loans a lot more inconvenient, and may even haunt people with a different type of addiction demon.
These hotels range from the humble to the extravagant and provide a wide dearth of options for any Cortez-based vacations you may be taking in the coming years. Hopefully you'll actually enjoy your stay, unlike the patrons of the Hotel Cortez in AHS: Hotel.
Image: Graeme Maclean, Jose A., André Ribeiro, Lyn Gateley, Chris Thompson, A. Breaux/Flickr