If you want to feel uncomfortably aroused in a dark room full of strangers or never be able to make eye contact your parents again after an awkward living-room erection, then sex scenes in movies are amazing. What's not to love? Well, what's not to love is this: they are, by and large, bat sh*t crazy. They have no basis in reality. They're worse than porn, but you don't masturbate to it (normally). At least in porn there's foreplay— and foreplay is important. But in movies, where is it? Where did it go? Movie sex scenes it's normally just: 1) skirt lift 2) panties down 3) penetration. Ow. Ow ow ow.
But if a total lack of foreplay is bad enough, there's a whole lots more that makes no sense in a lot of movie sex scenes. From the positioning— like everyone effortless can just start to have sex standing up facing each other without any awkward shuffling— or the people who suddenly decide to go at it, it's all a little bonkers.
Although there are loads of ridiculous ones to choose from, here are the seven most unrealistic sex scenes, because shower sex needs to be stopped once and for all:
1. Sleeping With Your BF's Son Like It's NBD In Adore
Yeah, they are consenting adults and all, but sleeping with your friend's son and having everyone be chill with it only happens in porn and this movie. Plus, in Adore, it's not one but both of the bestie's sleeping with each other's sons, which just weirds me out.
2. Just Doing It In The Street In Crank
Yeah, he has to keep his adrenaline levels up or else he'll die or something, but doing it in front of a million people in Chinatown in the middle of the day? I don't think so, nope.
3. Easily Super Hot Shower Sex In Skyfall (And A Thousand Others)
They're not slipping, there's no water in their mouth. No one seems to have gotten soap anywhere it's not supposed to be. This is not like any shower sex that has ever happened in real life.
4. Literally Anything That Happened During Sex In Twilight Breaking Dawn
OK, I don't care that they're supernatural, this is still ridiculous. The falling room and everything destroyed thing is too laughably absurd to be sexy in the least.
5. Pasta And Scissoring In Blue Is The Warmest Color
As the hilarious Buzzfeed video of lesbians reacting to Blue Is The Warmest Color shows 1. scissoring doesn't work, at least not that I've seen and 2. it definitely doesn't work after piles of delicious pasta.
6. Cruel Intentions Sibling Dry Humping
You know, just a casual backward dry humping between brother and sister (yeah, stepbrother and sister I know, I know). Also, how does she lie back horizontally on top of him and rub around so effortlessly? Girl must be hitting pilates.
7. The Piano Scene In Pretty Woman
Yes, it's totally hot. Yes, I would have sex with Richard Gere today. This moment. But, "Oh, this piano is so comfy let's just have sex on it!"? Yeah, right. Absolutely not.
Want more of Bustle's Sex and Relationships coverage? Check out our video on sex positions for small penises: