Real talk: when I first watched the music video for Adele's "Hello," it punched me right in the feels. Not only because it has meaning for anyone who's not really great at adulting, but because it is the classic story of being call-dodged by your ex. Now don't be all high and mighty; you know exactly what I mean. "Hello" is a song about all the calls to your ex that go straight to voicemail. Actually, "Hello" is all the calls to your ex gone straight to voicemail, but said a lot more eloquently than you do.
No judgment, because it's not just that I've been there — it's that I live there. Listen, I understand (and am annoyed by) the "crazy ex-girlfriend" trope. And for very superficial flirtations, I too have pulled the fadeaway every once in a while. But if you've shared profound emotions, bodily fluids, and a good chunk of your life with a person, it's a dick move to just ignore them like that. I think the frustration of not reaching that person, not getting that closure, is what drives most women to the brink of madness.
Adele does it again, nailing the unprettiness of not-being-over someone so beautifully. But in case you're somehow not resonating with her words hard enough, I finally took the lyrics to "Hello" and translated them into the jargon of a modern woman scorned. Prepare to cry ... or cringe.
"Hello, It's Me / I Was Wondering If After All These Years You'd Like To Meet / To Go Over Everything / They Say That Time's Supposed To Heal Ya, But I Ain't Done Much Healing"
"Hey, it's me. Adele. I'm actually in town for the weekend, and I was wondering if you wanted to grab coffee or something. I know we left things off on a really weird note, but I figured that if you were free, it'd be cool to catch up. UM, I'm in ... a really good place right now, and last night Wayne's World was on HBO and I was like, 'Oh, hey, I wonder how so-and-so is doing.' So yeah, I was just getting introspective. So if you wanna chat, let's meet up. But no pressure!"
"Hello, Can You Hear Me? / I'm In California Dreaming / About Who We Used To Be / When We Were Younger And Free / I've Forgotten How It Felt Before The World Fell At Our Feet"
"Heeeeey, it's me, Adele. Again. Guess where I am? I'm in LA! Remember when we went to San Francisco for my cousin's wedding two years ago? And we were like, 'Oh, we should go to LA,' and she was like, 'It's a six-hour drive.'" Anyway, that was really fun, and you were really sweet about holding my hair back while we were waiting for the Uber. Last time, I drink four appletinis in one sitting, right? Ha ... um, anyway, was just thinking of you. Call me back if you want."
"Hello From The Other Side / I Must've Called A Thousand Times / To Tell You I'm Sorry For Everything That I've Done / But When I Call You Never Seem To Be Home"
"Hiiiii, it's me, Adele ... again. UM, you know what? I was chatting with Mallory the other day, and your name came up, and she sorta said something that may have implied you were kind of still pissed off at me ...? I mean, maybe I was just looking into it, but I'm sorry if I did something offensive. I mean, it would explain why you haven't been returning my calls, but I figured you were probably just busy at work. So if you wanna call me back to let me know what's going on, I'd appreciate it! Uh ... so I'll talk to you ... then ..."
"Hello From The Outside / At Least I Can Say That I've Tried / To Tell You I'm Sorry For Breaking Your Heart / But It Don't Matter, It Clearly Doesn't Tear You Apart / Anymore"
"OK, I've called four times now, I've tried to make amends for the time I said your band may not make it. I'm sorry, OK? I'm sure monster bit-pop is going to be really huge. I saw your last show got a stellar review in Targum magazine. Um, I was actually reading it the other day, and the byline said "Emma Biggs." This wouldn't be the SAME Emma Biggs who you have your arm around in your profile picture, would it? How old is she? Nineteen? Nineteen and a half? Ugh, whatever, I don't even care!
"... This is Adele, by the way."
"Hello, How Are You? It's So Typical Of Me To Talk About Myself, I'm Sorry / I Hope That You're Well / Did You Ever Make It Out Of That Town Where Nothing Ever Happened?"
"Hey, it's me. How are you? I just got home from the best party, and now I'm relaxing on my fabulous shag carpet like a goddamn queen, and I was just wondering if you ended up moving to Poughkeepsie like you said you would six months ago. Because, I mean, you're 25 now, and it just seems so silly for someone to be living at home at 25, you know? Y-you know? Also, did you block me on Facebook? Because I'm online now and I can't see you. Anyway, I don't mean to ramble, I have to go back to being awesome. This is Adele, 2:32 a.m. Peace out."
Spot on, sister. We'll have to have a rom-com and ice cream night sometime soon. I'll bring the Ben & Jerry's, you bring the wine.
Images: XL Recordings/YouTube (1); Giphy (5)