'The Bachelor' Drinking Game

Tonight is the night, believers of True, Everlasting, Made-For-TV Love: ABC’s The Bachelor is returning (how is it Juanuary already?!) to our television airwaves to remind us to let hope spring eternal and believe in the power of television to bring two very attractive people together. True Love ain’t just for uggos anymore, folks! Because this year things are "so different." Which obviously means the drama has now reached Defcon One.

Given that the series is two hours long, can be at times unbearable, but is ultimately the Holy Grail of reality television trash, it felt only appropriate to craft a drinking game to make sure your viewing parties are well-lubricated. Helps the declarations of “OMG I’ve NEVER felt this way before!” after 13 seconds of interaction go down easier. Because watching Everlasting Love born into existence is an emotional rollercoaster only made right when the train tracks are slick with the snarky contempt that occurs when hate-watching and competitive-for-love reality shows collide. So forgo your own self-judgement and hatred on loving to hate on it and just give in: it’s Blue Monday as it is and you don’t need any more reasons to feel depressed. So let’s drink!

A Shot of Ponche Crema...

  • At the first sight of tears. Or anytime there are any tears at all.
  • Every time Juan Pablo takes his shirt off (Make it a Double if: it's followed by catcalls).
  • If a contestant calls herself "chill."
  • Any time they refer to Juan Pablo as "hot" or "sexy" (Make it a Double if: they call him a "latin lover").
  • If a contestant is "just one of the guys" (Make it a Double if: they cut-away to a shot of her playing sports or watching football in a jersey).
  • Each time Juan Pablo bungles his English.
  • Every time we see Juan Pablo's abdominal muscles.
  • At every mention of CamEEEEEla (a.k.a. his daughter Camila).
  • Every time they show Juan Pablo playing soccer.
  • Any time there's a poem about to be read aloud.

Gulp a Glass of Pinot Noir...

  • Every time there's a tearful admission of loneliness.
  • If someone tries to mouthrape Juan Pablo without his permission.
  • Any time someone declares they've "never felt this way before."
  • If a contestant raps (Make it a Double if: Juan Pablo raps).
  • Any time a contestant throws her hands in the air (like she just don't care) and says "Wooo!!!"
  • If someone professes love upon exiting the limo.
  • If any of the girls “used to” model.
  • When anyone describes themselves as "zany."

Guzzle that Rum Punch...

  • If someone says “I’m ready for love!” (Make it a Double if: the stink of desperation is palpable).
  • Any time someone exits the limo with another person: be it grandparent/child/parent/small animal.
  • If a contestant is not here to make friends.
  • Any time a woman declares that she doesn't want to die alone.
  • If a contestant throws up (Make it a Double if: Juan Pablo throws up).
  • Every time someone hits on Chris Harrison.
  • Any time someone pronounces it "WHHHHUAN PAHHHBLO."
  • Whenever someone butchers or misuses the Spanish language.
  • If anyone even so much as touches a vuvuzela.

Down a Bottle of Whatever's Closest...

  • Any time a contestant shows up in a wedding gown.
  • If someone just knows they are in love with Juan Pablo.
  • When someone declares "Juan Pablo might be The One."
  • If a helicopter shows up.
  • If someone goes skinny dipping, or there's group jacuzzi useage.
  • If Lucy the professional "free spirit" says "it is what it is."
  • Or if someone shows up in an animal costume and admits to being a furry (Make it a Double if: Juan Pablo's totally into it).

Consider Calling an Ambulance...

  • If Spanglish is used...
  • …Or if someone references the movie Spanglish.
  • If Juan Pablo does an Adam Sandler impression (Make it a Double if: it’s a scene from Spanglish).

Image Credit: Hello Loser