Beyoncé & Channing Tatum's Lip Sync Battle Can Only Have 1 Winner, So Let's Investigate Their Odds

In "where has this been all my life" news, it was announced on Tuesday that Beyoncé and Channing Tatum will compete on Lip Sync Battle on the next season in 2016. Do not adjust your phone or laptop screen, because this is not a prank or a drill or a lie or dream or anything that would mean that it is in any way fictional. This is happening, because someone up there knows just how to give us exactly what we didn't know we wanted. Naturally, everyone is already excited even though we don't have an air date for the episode or any clips from the episode just yet, but who can blame them? Both Beyoncé and Tatum are Hollywood giants right now, and it can be hard for the casual viewer to really pick which one to root for. But pick we must, and I'm here to make that choice a little easier on you. Will Beyoncé or Channing Tatum win Lip Sync Battle ? Let's investigate.

Both celebrities have their respective strengths that make them an ideal candidate for victory in a competition as serious as lip synching. Beyoncé might have a bit more familiarity with it than Tatum does (facts are facts, and the fact of the matter is that Beyoncé has to lip sync during at least some of her live performances so she has the breath to pull off all of those complicated dance moves), but Tatum is not to be discounted as a masterful entertainer. This isn't the kind of thing you can answer very easily, so it's best to examine exactly what strengths they are each bringing to the table. And that's where I come in.

Beyoncé: Performance

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Admittedly, I am biased here, because I have never seen a Beyoncé performance that I didn't like. Beyoncé does not put on concerts. She puts on shows. She doesn't just sing her songs to you. You can listen to her songs at home. She dances. She plays clips from her personal life. She shows off her incredible stage energy with any guest she might have on stage with her, whether it's Nicki Minaj, Jay Z, or her daughter Blue Ivy. She defies gravity, walks through smoke and fire, and does her best to throw out her back by dipping low and bringing it up slow. She pretty much knows how to completely overwhelm an audience with all the elements that go into elevating her performances from ordinary to extraordinary, and that kind of thing can be incredibly important in a competition where you do no actual singing.

Lip Sync Battle is as much about song choice as it is about costumes and dance routines, and the second round in particular will be fierce because...

Channing Tatum: Entertainment

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Channing Tatum can strip. Listen, Beyoncé has the dance moves, and they are excellent dance moves, but Channing Tatum could win this just by Magic Mike-ing up a storm on that stage. We've all seen how successful that movie series is, and we all know the true story behind the movie. Does he even need to lip sync? I'm pretty sure if he whips off his shirt and throws it at Chrissy Teigen, we might all vote for him just for that. (Well, John Legend wouldn't vote for him, but, thankfully, John Legend isn't involved in the voting procedures.) Beyoncé might be the clear winner of the first round, just because she needs to pick pretty much any song and Beyoncé her way through it to victory, but Tatum is made of 100 percent pure, unadulterated entertainment factor.

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Queen Bey might find herself working overtime to convince the audience that her dance moves reign supreme over that of everyone's favorite fictional hip gyrator.

Verdict: Channing Tatum

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As much as I love Beyoncé, I think Tatum might be the one who takes home the belt on this one unless Beyoncé finds a way to truly bring out something special, ridiculous, and possibly featuring a cameo from Blue Ivy. But I guess we'll all find out for sure in 206.