I've seen a lot of television commercials. I watch a lot of television, so it comes with the territory. But my years of training could not have prepared me for what I saw in between plays during a football game Sunday. It was an Old Spice commercial. An Old Spice commercial that somehow managed to eclipse the weirdness of any and all other Old Spice commercials. That commercial is "Momsong." The synopsis of "Momsong": Sons grow up and moms don't want to accept it. They won't let go. To a cartoonish degree. The sons are too preoccupied with getting their mack on to notice that their mothers are snooping around.
And by "snooping around," I don't mean "putting an ear up to his bedroom door to eavesdrop when he has friends over." I mean "gripping the bumper of his car when he's cruising down a highway with a lady friend." Yes, the ad escalates quickly.
At the end of the commercial, we're hit with a "Smellcome to Manhood." I'm good, but thank you. Oh, right! This is an ad for deodorizing body sprays, not a trailer for a horror movie.
Here are the most bizarre things that happen in the "Momsong" ad, starting with number 10 and sliding our way up to the number one moment (yes, I meant "sliding"):
10. Compared to everything else that happens in the ad, the mom woefully skulking around in the woods/rain at the 0:15 mark isn't that scary.
9. The mom hiding behind the door in her son's bedroom at 0:06 is lurky, but this moment is not even close to being one of the worst offenders.
8. When the mom swims up to shore at 0:37, you may think, That's not that terrifying. Well, watch it again. Because she doesn't swim. SHE SLIDES. How? The commercial never gives us an answer.
7. The mom hiding and popping out of the sand at 0:32 is so-so startling, but then you realize THAT UNSETTLING SLIDE MOVE IS BACK.
6. I hate a jump scare, so the lunch table surprise at 0:25 really did a number on me.
5. Okay. Watching her son and his girlfriend through cutouts in a curtain at 0:40? Simple, but effective. And the stuff of nightmares.
4. The hanging on the bumper at 0:21 isn't creepy-scary, but it's you-might-get-seriously-injured-scary.
3. The janitor costume sight gag at 0:28. Um. UM.
2. As if the mom appearing between the couch cushions at 0:47 wasn't enough, she then slides across the floor, through the house, and up onto a different couch. I can't stop imagining people sliding around my apartment now. Thanks for that, Old Spice.
And the freakiest moment...
1. Did the mom at 0:45 just fall out of the sky? With a fiddle, no less? Is she okay? Oh. She looks okay at the 0:46 mark. I'm sorry I asked. This is some Wile E. Coyote business. Wait. Are cartoons real?
Witness all of the "Momsong" sliding for yourself:
Image: Old Spice/YouTube