I love a good genre crossover, I love a good thought experiment, I love reality competition shows, and I love Bravo reality series Vanderpump Rules. What happens when you throw those four ingredients into bubbling cauldron, stir the stew a few times, and then let it simmer? Something absolutely hilarious, especially when the people stirring the pot happen to be two Vanderpump Rules stars, Scheana Shay and Katie Maloney. To prepare for Monday night's Season 4 premiere, I spoke with the pair to figure out how their co-stars would fare on other reality series. As any fan knows, Vanderpump Rules is not a reality competition show. It is a soap opera-style reality show that documents the lives of the SUR crew. But what if it was a reality competition show?
Here’s how the game went down: 1) I named a popular reality competition show, 2) I asked Scheana and Katie to imagine all of their Vanderpump Rules costars on that series, 3) I asked Scheana and Katie to determine the winner of the show, and 4) I repeated steps 1-3 several times.
Scheana and Katie, gracious gemstones that they are, were beyond game to play this game, and thanks to their answers, we all win.
Vanderpump Winner — Kristen
Katie: "She would for sure win. She is a vegetarian though."
Scheana: "That’s the thing, she wouldn’t be able to eat the fish. That was the first thing I just thought of. But she’s so competitive."
Katie: "She can be manipulative. She thinks with that part of her brain that would be required to win something like that. Definitely wouldn’t be me. Schwartz maybe?"
Scheana: "No, Schwartz would be like, 'I miss Gordo' and want to go home." [Laughs]
Vanderpump Winner— Stassi
Katie: "I’ve gotta give it to her."
Vanderpump Winner —Tom Schwartz
Scheana: "Jax would get cabin fever. I think Schwartz would be good on Big Brother."
Katie: "Everyone likes him."
Scheana: "Everyone loves him. If he could get the manipulating thing down, he would totally win. Because you look at him, and he’s just like a cute puppy."
Katie: "There’s no one who doesn’t like him."
Scheana: "Everyone loves Schwartz. If you said, 'Oh, I don’t really like Schwartz...'"
Katie: "There’s something wrong with you."
Scheana: "Everyone loves Schwartz."
Katie: "He would win Big Brother."
Vanderpump Winner — Katie
Scheana: [To Katie] "I think you would be good at that."
Katie: "I have a good business mind."
Dancing With The Stars
Vanderpump Winner — Scheana
Katie: "Or Sandoval."
Scheana: "No, Sandoval has two signature dance moves. It’s this [moves arms around] or something with his feet."
Katie: "OK, Scheana wants that one, so she gets it."
Vanderpump Winner — Ariana
Scheana: "She would eat anything, she would do anything, she would totally kill that show."
Katie: "She should go on that show."
Scheana: "She should."
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
Vanderpump Winner — Tom Schwartz or Tom Sandoval
Katie: "[Tom Schwartz is] really smart. He knows a lot of facts. He’s a beacon of weird, useless knowledge."
Scheana: "I would say either Schwartz or Sandoval. Because Sandoval watches a lot of weird Discovery Channel stuff."
Katie: "They know too much about the rodents of the Amazon."
Vanderpump Winner — Shay
Scheana: "I think he would be really good at that. That is literally his favorite show to watch … Shay was saying we should have [a Challenge] for Bravolebrities. Like Housewives, Below Deck, us— all competing."
America’s Got Talent
Vanderpump Winner — Tom Sandoval
Scheana: "He has a lot of weird talents. He does things with fire, he sings, he dances, he acts."
Katie: "He can spit fire."
Scheana: "Literally. There’s this trick he does, I don’t know what it’s with, but he tried to do it in our opening titles, but they were like, ‘We’re not zoned for that at SUR, we can’t do that.’ He has a lot of interesting talents, but he’s literally talented at everything."
Hold up. Tom Sandoval can breathe fire? Um, I need to see that. If Sandoval doesn't exhale flames on Vanderpump Rules Season 4, Season 5 better fix that.