5 of the Most Annoying Things You Can Do At a Music Festival or Concert

You woke up early one morning months ago to reserve your ticket, you forked over hundreds of bucks, and you trekked to a field in middle-of-nowhere. You’ve given up hygiene for four days and you’re using Porta Potties that make you think differently about what it means to be human, but it's all worth it because here you are, your favorite band in front of you, fellow fans by your side.

Ah, but still, so much can go wrong…

Although the stakes might not be as high at concerts that require fewer... sacrifices than a five-day festival, I believe the lessons of a long, outdoor festival can apply to music-listening situations everywhere. Please, for everyone's sake, don't:

1. Film it with your iPhone: You’ve heard of YouTube, right? It’s this really cool thing where there are hundreds of better-quality videos of that band singing that song. This is your one chance to not watch it on a screen, so stop blocking everyone else’s view.

2. Get territorial: We are in a crowd. A crowd: “A large number of people gathered together, typically in a disorganized or unruly way.” There’s no such thing as “your” space. It’s especially tragic when people get possessive over their place while the Rolling Stones are singing “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.”

3. Start or spread rumors: Wishing something hard enough won’t make it happen. Daft Punk are not playing. But that’s okay, because lots of other people are playing, so let’s listen to them, and not run to random stages at random times because maybe Daft Punk are secretly on at the Arcadia at 2 A.M. or shooting out of the bird on top of the Pyramid stage or hiding under Rufus Wainwright’s piano.

4. Hold a stupid flag or sign: No joke is funny for three hours. Also, holding a flag that says “Daft Punk” will not make them come.

5. Try to build a campfire in the middle of the crowd: Just no.

Now, the fans aren’t the only ones with obligations. If we’re going to keep our iPhones in our pockets for an hour and let strangers invade our personal space, then the bands had better hold up their end of the bargain.

For me, this comes down to one thing: Don't sound exactly the same as you do on your record. Thrilling though it may be just to soak in your presence and feel the vibrations of your guitar, actually, if you sound like a carbon copy of your record, then I might as well have stayed home, where I don’t have to hold my breath when I go to the bathroom. So introduce the song. Tell us a story. Say how happy you are to be here. We just want to see you’ve made a little effort, too.

And no, Daft Punk is still not coming.