10 Uses For Fruitcake That Don't Involve Eating It

Serious question time — does anyone really like fruitcake? I'm guessing there are at least some enthusiasts out there, or else this traditional holiday brick of a dessert would have gone the way of tomato aspic and other vintage recipe relics millennial society has collectively deemed disgusting. But even if you don't plan on eating any fruitcake this year, there are still reasons to keep it around — Column Five Media has compiled 10 creative uses for fruitcake, each of them outlined in one ultra handy (and hilarious) infographic. That rock-hard slab of candied pineapple, raisins, and regret has the potential to stick around forever, so you might as well put it to good use, right?

To be fair, fruitcake isn't always terrible — it just seems kind of sad and pathetic when it has to compete against the draw of other delectable holiday desserts, like sugar cookies, hot chocolate cupcakes, and anything with candy canes in it. Still, it just wouldn't be the holidays without at least one of these fruit-filled monstrosities at your disposal. Plus, you can't help but respect fruitcake's staying power. This food's storied history dates back all the way to Ancient Rome, when pomegranate seeds, pine nuts, and barley mash were mixed together to form a primitive version of the cake that would continue to see popularity spikes through the Victorian era and into the 20th century.

Even if we don't like it, we're still willing to keep it around. So as long as you have one of these bad boys sitting on your kitchen counter, don't let it go to waste. The uses mentioned by Column Five below may be humorous, but they're still weirdly practical. I mean, I can't think of a more festive doorstop to have on hand this time of year than a giant hunk of fruitcake, and number 10 on this list (use fruitcake as a vengeance gift) has been a go-to since the dawn of the office holiday party. Don't lie — you know the idea has crossed your mind.

Image: Fotolia; Column Five Media