Life
9 Sex Things Confident Women Never Do
Do you ever need a pep talk when it comes to your super-lover status? I don't blame you. We're constantly surrounded by cultural messages that erode our self-confidence, and self-confidence is critical to a healthy sex life. There's lots of talk about what sassy, self-assured women do in the bedroom, but what about sex things confident women never do? Can we get a pep talk about that? Why, yes. Yes, we can.
But all this sexy cheerleading isn't just talk. Embracing your inner sex goddess is good for your well-being. Women who are sexually satisfied tend to love their bodies more, according to relationship psychologist Susan Quilliam in an article for Psychologies, who also said that women's satisfaction is hugely influenced by whether or not they think their partners like what they see. In other words, good sex makes you feel hotter, which makes you have better sex. It's the best kind of cycle to be trapped in.
In my years as a Planned Parenthood Certified Responsibility Educator and Domestic Violence Victim Advocate, I've seen so many women (and men) needlessly sacrifice their own pleasure to make their partners happy, simply because they didn't have the confidence to get what they wanted. Confident women never do that. They also never do these things, unless they want to, because they make the rules.
1. Think Your Orgasm Doesn't Matter
Not having an orgasm is for special occasions when you're making the whole night about your partner's pleasure. Because you always get yours. You understand that telling your partner what you like is empowering and not insulting. Plus, you know your body well enough to know what makes you tick. There's no faking it to people-please. No "it's OK, I just want you to be happy" night after night. Anyone lucky enough to be with you is going to need (and want) to put in the time and effort to get you exactly where you want to go.
2. Hide Your Body
If you turn the lights off during sex, it's because you want to set the mood. Or because you want to collapse into sleep and not have to get out of bed to turn the lights off (high-five for laziness!). You never turn the lights off to hide your body, because your body is one of the best parts of having sex with you. It's worthy of worship and reverence. In fact, your body is a wonderland. Anyone who's lucky enough to get into your bed understands this.
3. Change Your Body
If you don't want to shave your pubic hair down to nothing (or if you don't want to grow it out), that's your choice. If you want to lose weight, gain weight, build muscle, shave your head, get piercings head to toe, bleach your anus, or grow out your toenails, you will. If you don't, you won't. You do not give up the right to make decisions about your own body just to be sexier for someone else. Some compromise is fine, but you call the shots.
4. Worry About Being Boring
You know what you like and you know what your partner likes. If that means you have one or two go-to positions that work for you, then that's what you do. If that means you just go at it like feral animals, then that's what you do. You don't worry that your sex life is boring if you like it one certain way or if your romp doesn't look like a porn movie.
5. Take Suggestions Personally
When your partner says they want to try something new or they don't like it when you do one of your signature moves, you're not bummed. You're excited because you have a partner who is willing to communicate sexual needs to you. That's like, the jackpot, and you realize that. You know it's not personal. You know it doesn't mean you suck in bed. You'll take that treasure map your partner is offering and you'll make his or her head spin.
6. Say Yes When You Mean No
When your partner asks you to twist into an impossible pretzel so he can give you an unnecessarily-theatrical sexytime experience, and you know that you hate that pretzel move, you're not afraid to say "I'm not into that." You're also not afraid to say "that's not working for me" at any time. And it goes without saying that when you're not in the mood and there's no hope of getting you in the mood, that you're not afraid to shut it down. (And remember, if you say no and your partner doesn't respect that no, it's never OK and never your fault.)
7. Avoid Getting Adventurous
Since you're a self-confident goddess, you'd never think twice before asking for something different, like trying anal or getting a new sex toy. Why would you? You understand that your wants and needs (and your pleasure) are just as important as your partner's. And while your partner might not be down (because you respect boundaries), at least you spoke your mind and didn't hold back.
8. Feel Shame
Having too many drinks and taking someone home who makes your skin crawl in the daylight happens. But you're not going to beat yourself up about it. And the walk of shame is not a thing in your world. You strut home in a walk of awesome, Amber Rose-style.
9. Worry About Labels
You have sex whenever you want to have sex. You have sex with anyone you want to have sex with. You don't sweat labels like slut or whore and you certainly don't lob them at other women. When people try to shame you for enjoying sex and making your own decisions about your body, you feel bad for them, because sex is awesome.
Of course, we're all works in progress, so no shame if your confident goddess game isn't 100 percent on point yet. As long as you remember that sex with you is a gift that anyone would be lucky to receive, you're well on your way.
Want more of Bustle's Sex and Relationships coverage? Check out our new podcast,I Want It That Way, which delves into the difficult and downright dirty parts of a relationship, and find more on our Soundcloud page.
