Why They Shouldn't Get Married

Alert the media: a celebrity isn't sure she wants to throw a giant celebrity wedding. Jennifer Lopez fielded questions from People regarding potential wedding plans with her boyfriend Casper Smart (who would be her fourth husband, should she decide to get married) and responded with "I don't know." This uncertain response was apparently headline-worthy, despite its lack of bombshell information — its newsworthiness lies only in the revelation that there might be one less celebrity wedding to ogle in the near future.

So why even mention it? Why bother? We've got plenty of celebs just begging for us to pay attention to their weddings (yes, you, Kaley Cuoco), what's one less occasion for "secret plans" that are discovered and photographed anyway?

Firstly, we have the issue of expectation. Celebrities have trained us that when they fall in love, the first thing they do is throw an extravagant, romantic commitment soiree and whether they promote it or not, photographs will make their way to the hands of the celebrity-obsessed.

We long for the glossy images of the all-important dress, the flowers, and the venue so we can judge the classiness of the affair and give our input about which blooms would have looked better. We want to see the bride looking like a princess so we can build our own unfair expectations of a wedding ceremony. We'd absolutely lose our minds over a picture of Lopez shoving cake in Smart's face. It seems that when it comes to celebrities, our marriage expectations are not so much about marriage as they are a song and dance that keeps the celebrity carousel spinning.

But then comes the darker side. Celebrity marriages are some the most notoriously combustible relationships on the planet. It's not even shocking that someone like Lopez has three ex-husbands. It's just the nature of Hollywood, where passions run high, tempers burn hot, and ego is everything. When two celebs get married (or in tabloid punching bag Jennifer Aniston's case, even just engaged), the natural progression of possible stories blossoms from pretty, shiny photos to pregnancy rumors and hints of an impending breakup, or, if there's a really emotionally suggestive image to go with it, a "meltdown." And in Lopez's case, we've got the younger man situation as well, which notoriously leads to ruthless relationship coverage.

It's the circle of life for celebrity marriages, and the celeb news cycle thrives on it. When a big star, like Lopez, suggests she might be done with the whole merry-go-round, it throws a wrench in expectations. If she's not eventually going to get married, then what do we have to look forward to? Her album, which she toiled over while raising her children and working a second job at American Idol like a champ? Perhaps the way she lobbies in Washington for a better representation of Latino characters and stars on television? Nah. Wedding or bust.

And for those who might suggest that we, as a core of celebrity-obsessed people, are simply hoping she finds happiness are full of it. Some of the longest-lasting relationships in Hollywood are between unmarried people. From Liev Schriber and Naomi Watts, John Hamm and Jennifer Westfeldt, Oprah and Stedman, to the obvious Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie or the classic unmarried power couple Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, there's almost more evidence for celebrity couples staying happy without all the hubbub.

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But even Pitt and Jolie, who've been together raising their sizable brood are still expected to get married. Every time Jolie steps out with a new bauble on her finger, the rumors ignite: they're finally getting married! They're finally going to please our puritanical needs and stop living in sin! Hamm and Westfeldt's relatively new fame greeted the couple of 16 years with rumors galore about Westfeldt's desperation for marriage or Hamm "finally opening up" about why he's chosen to take the George Clooney stance on marriage.

And then there's Clooney, who famously refuses to marry while the entirety of celebrity news gathering organizations and women everywhere hope and pray that one day he'll change his mind. "I keep saying I'll never get married again or have children but people just don't want to believe me," he recently told the UK's Express.

At a time when we allow such freedom for normal people who choose not to be married or choose to stay single (unless of course, you're a certain sexist Fox News contributor), celebrities are somewhat of a last frontier. We expect them to hand out giant engagement rings and get caught smiling endlessly in wedding attire. We also expect them to be "on the rocks" when they're caught scowling in public or "pregnant" when someone gets an In and Out craving.

We demand the soap opera that is celebrity life, but we bury that under the guise of simply hoping for "happiness" for the two people at hand. In truth, isn't it likely that they could be happier if they weren't bearing the unbelievable weight of our silly, unfounded expectations?

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