6 Paranoid Thoughts You Have When You Think You're About To Start Your Period

No matter how old we get, our periods still surprise us. That's because our periods are not polite. They're like nightmare houseguests who trek their muddy shoes through our clean floors and eat all our food and dirty all our dishes — they make their presence known. And even though we know they're coming every 28 days, when we feel the rumbles of their arrival, we shudder, we panic, we get the feels. That first sight of blood is never not an event, and the last sign of blood is never not a celebration.

In many ways, our lives revolve around our periods. We plan our beach trips and love affairs around them. We tether our emotions to them. We link our cravings to them. And we're always either dreading them or praying for them. So while we might only actually have our periods for one week out of the month, we're never not catering to our periods, if you know what I mean. So in reality they're like that houseguest who showed up at puberty and basically just moved in without asking. Sometimes they're a nuisance and other times they're just an ever-standing box of tampons in our medicine cabinets.

If you're anything like me, when your period is on the way to nuisance-mode, you start to develop paranoid pre-menstrual thoughts. Perhaps something similar to these:

I'm Pregnant

Whether or not you're sexually active or have put yourself at risk in the last month, there's always a moment pre menstruation where you think to yourself, "No, these are not period pains, these are pregnancy pains," and convince yourself that you are with child. So much so that you pat your own belly.

You've Caught Me Red-Panted

Despite the fact that it's actually quite difficult to ruin your clothes with a little blood, you always think you've ruined what you're wearing. It often feels like you're bleeding when you're not. And during that time where you're unsure, your mind runs through a dozen instances where you stand up and there is blood on your pants.

Water Under The Bridge

If you're really paranoid, you'll think that you've bled through your pants and onto the couch and through the cushion and there's a stream of blood pooling below you. The second you stand up everyone will see and laugh at you. This really never happens.

Hello Darkness My Old Friend

You'll have a pre-menstrual moment where you're very convinced that the feels your feeling are not period related. You'll convince yourself that a depression has rolled in or that the world has grown darker. You'll believe this theory until your period passes and you look through your journal and realize that crying because your favorite show is an unexpected re-run is a bit dramatic.

Clear The Calendar


As your period approaches, you mentally clear your calendar. At the first wince of a cramp, you decide to blow off all plans and melt in bed for a week. This feeling never lasts more than a day or two and you're totally fine and out, on with your life.

Bring In The Laser Beam


Oh, your PMS comes with brass knuckles too? All that paranoia, frustration, and occasional depression that come with the first signs of menstruation lead to a few less than friendly feelings towards anyone or anything. You have to bite your tongue constantly out of the very real fear that you will say or do something that is decidedly less nice than your usual self, all the while wondering if you would have felt like that in the first place, or if your period is just egging you on again.

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