Being dominated in bed is a super common fantasy for all genders, but particularly for people who identify as women. In fact, a 2014 study from researchers at the University of Montreal found that 65 percent of women have sexual submission fantasies. When they looked at the specifics, they discovered that more than 52 percent were into bondage, 36 percent wanted to be spanked, and 28.9 percent fantasized about being forced to have sex.
And while the astronomical success of 50 Shades of Grey gets a lot of credit these days for sparking the sexual imaginations of would-be submissives everywhere, submission fantasies are nothing new. They’ve been forever immortalized on the covers of countless romance novels, featuring brawny men who just can’t control their desire for buxom maids, wenches, and farm girls. But even in 2015, when it’s hella easy to buy sexy BDSM gear in practically any mainstream store, being dominated in bed remains a fantasy and nothing more for so many people.
Now, there are obviously a lot of reasons for that, right? Some people don’t actually want to live out their submission fantasies and are happy to keep them in their imaginations, which is totally fine. However, for those who do want to be dominated in bed, figuring out how to get a partner to play the role of romance novel hero or sexy dungeon master can be super complicated. How do you even encourage someone’s inner dominant? How to make them use you the way you want to be used? Here are five tips on how to get your partner to bring out the handcuffs and spanking paddle.
1. Have A Clear “This Is What I Want” Convo
I know that sex talks are hella awkward — they’re even awkward for me, and I write about sex every day on the internet! But there’s no better way to get what you want than using your words. Sometimes we expect our partners to be able to read our minds, which is ludicrous. Think about it: Do you have that super power? No! And neither does your significant other. So if you want them to dominate you, you gotta let ‘em know.
But as Dan Savage always says, don’t present the topic like you’re telling them you have cancer or something. The “this is what I want” conversation doesn’t have to involve sitting face-to-face and having a talk (although it can if you want it to, I guess). You can make it a fun, sexy conversation that could even turn into foreplay or you can introduce it as dirty talk during sex. This is an awesome, fun thing about you that you’re sharing with your partner! Enjoy it!
2. Have A Convo About What “Dominant” Means
If you’ve already told your partner that you want them to be more dominant and they’re still not doing it, you need to have a conversation about what exactly “dominant” means to you. Maybe they think they’re being dominant in bed but you’re picturing a full-on St. Andrew’s Cross and they thought you just wanted some light spanking. Tell them exactly what “dominant” and “submissive” mean to you and you might just find your sex life turning around, quickly.
3. Be Actively Submissive
I know it sounds like an oxymoron but you can take an active submissive role. What I mean by that is you can take steps that will lead your partner to behave in a submissive way. Reddit user Socially_sexual suggests “begging him to use you” as well as getting into submissive positions, like on all fours or on your knees. If your partner is into domination, moves like this will set them off.
4. Talk Dirty To Them
Sometimes all it takes a little dirty talk to get things going in the right direction. However, dirty talk is a first step: any kind of BDSM or dominant/submissive play has to come with a conversation about what you’re okay with and what you’re not ready for. But you can definitely prime the pumps by whispering nasty nothings in their ear when you’re having more vanilla sex.
5. Explain How They’re Not Really Disrespecting You
Some people are afraid that dominating a person in bed is disrespectful, which is understandable. A lot of sex that involves domination can look that way, right? If your partner is one of those people, you need to explain that “using” you in bed is actually respecting you because it’s doing the things that you want to do.
It’s also a good idea to remember that domination in bed is called “play” for a reason. Let’s bring it back to Mr. Dan Savage, who calls BDSM “cops and robbers with your pants off.”
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