We are gathered here, on Thursday night's episode of Community, in memory of Pierce Hawthorne. CEO of Hawthorne Wipes, friend to many but beloved by few, we honor him tonight with a Laser Lotus energy pod containing his life vapor. Pierce died as he lived: masturbating. So let us remember the best and brightest parts of this man who was so full of life (and semen, apparently).
A Unique Outlook on Life
Not many people would subject their friends to a series of lie detector tests in the study room to make their friends prove they hadn't murdered them... but Pierce would. Nor would most people offer one of their friends to take a trip around the world in exchange for their millions. But Pierce would. After all, this is a man who dressed up as a wizard for his religion.
Your run-of-the mill narcissist might have just stopped at making his friends take a lie detector test to prove that his friends didn't murder him. But Pierce refused to settle, asking his friends questions that he knew would stir them up and lead to fighting. The group soon started revealing all the secrets they had been keeping from each other, continuing to get more and more angry.
A True Understanding of His Friends
Pierce may have put his friends through some trials, but in the end he knew not only their secrets, but what was best for them all along. He gave his friends they needed the most and told each one of them what they meant to him. Sure, Pierce was a selfish, racist, sexist old bastard, but unlike his friends, he never told a lie for just the sake of being nice. So when Pierce revealed how he felt about each member of the study group, it really rang true. But the gift that one of his friends needed most (especially since they needed a convenient reason to leave the show) was the hardest to receive: Pierce offered Troy his Hawthorne Wipes empire with the promise that Troy would sail around the world. It was a gift just as absurd as the giver, but it also gave Troy a chance to come into his own.
So it is now that we say goodbye to Pierce Hawthorne. He will always be remembered as a true friend and a giant asshole. And as Jeff would probably say in his obligatory monologue, isn't that what we all truly are anyways? Asshole just trying to do what we think is best for our friends? So farewell, Pierce. You lived a long life with many regrets, but you tried to make sure that those around you had none. And while your journey ends, another has just begun.