Cold weather fashion has a special place in many of our hearts, but there are going to be times when you simply hate winter coats. Sure, the cold brings on a cozy time when you can cocoon yourself in sweaters, cuddle up in plaid blankets, and just generally burrito yourself in the best and softest layers you can get your hands on. Everything from mohair sweaters to giant, cable knit turtlenecks are in play; but with the good comes the bad. And with the bad, comes the ugly. Enter the giant, hideous, tundra-proof coats of the East Coast and Midwest — potential fashion suicide wrapped up in goose feathers and garbage bag-like material. To add insult to injury, these aren't beasts you can easily control: They take up their own seat on the bus, trap body heat to passing-out levels, and shift you into survival mode when going out into the December air.
And if you don't go the end-times-proof route, you're probably left looking stylish but pneumonia-ridden in your chic pea coat or moto jacket, shivering like a leaf while waiting for your bus. It's fun times. Below are seven times you'll really, really hate your coat — because winter fashion isn't all earmuffs and fur hats. It's pain.
1. When Your Stylish Pea Coat Fails You
If you're in the camp of humans that refuses to buy a marshmallow coat for winter survival purposes and instead sticks with the stylish, paper-thin numbers, then you're going to have a hard time. Sure, you look fly AF waiting for the train, but you also look blue. As in, slowly frosting over. If your jacket has about as much insulation as rice paper, you're going to have a rough go of it this season (mainly because you'll constantly be battling away pneumonia).
2. When You Trade Said Pea Coat For Basically A Duvet Cover
Let's be honest: All puffer jackets look like duvet covers with belts. So when you finally tire of shivering every time you step out of a cab, you're going to move onto the sensible, adult-like, and completely hideous option of a proper winter jacket. And as you're standing there warm and well-insulated while the snow dreamily falls down, you're probably going to hate what you've become with every fiber of your being.
You win this time, winter. You win.
3. When You Have To Spend 10 Minutes De-Layering
This awkward scene is pretty much a part of every one of our Midwestern or East Coast lives: Your waitress walks you over to your table and expects you to plop neatly down, but instead you stand in the aisle for 10 minutes wrestling off your two coats, one zip-up hoodie, a blanket scarf the size of Texas, and that pom pom hat. By the end of it, you're sweaty, frazzled, and you've had a near collision with a tray of drinks you'd rather not talk about.
4. When Your Coat Keeps You Equal Parts Sweaty & Cold
It's always a uniquely maddening sensation when you feel the sweat run down your back from power walking to work so you can get the eff out of the cold, and shivering because somehow the chill is seeping its way through the impenetrable wall of goose feathers and marshmallow fluff that is your coat.
It's both failing at its job and doing its job too well. What is this paradoxical world we live in?
5. When It Gives You Major Frump Factor On A First Date
There's nothing like spending a good portion of the evening curling your hair, doing and re-doing your cat-eye liner, marinating in perfume, and strategically building the perfect first date outfit like a plan for battle... only to put a Michelin Man inspired coat on top of it all. It's like you were Sophia Loren one moment... and then the Cat Lady from The Simpsons the next. So much for that sex appeal. All they'll see coming through the revolving doors of the restaurant is a giant mass of goose-down.
6. When It Makes You Look Like You Have No Clothes On
Alternatively, sometimes your coat has the power to make things look a little ~scandalous~. Like when the hem of your dress hits the hem of your jacket and it magically looks like you've gone sans clothes for the evening.
The struggle is real, take it from me. One time I walked into a Panera Bread to warm up on my way to a party, with my coat uncomfortably hitting just below the hem of my mini dress. This caused the woman eating her French onion soup to look like she was ready to throw her bread bowl at me out of morality. No #sexpositivity, that one.
7. When You Have To Spend Money To Shelter It
Ugh, coat check. The bane of my existence. Every time you fork over the price of a cocktail just to stash your coat on a hanger, you'll likely evaluate whether it would really be such a tragedy if someone stole it from you. But it's a gamble: Do you save a couple bucks on coat check only to risk having to walk home in the middle of January wearing nothing but a dress? It's an impossible situation.
This, dear friends, is why you are bound to hate your coat this winter.
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Image: Marlen Komar (1)
