It is a truth universally acknowledged that Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You" is the ultimate holiday classic. Everyone loves and adores this song. When I say everyone, I mean everyone. It's your mom's, grandma's, and even your local mall Santa's favorite Christmas song. Well, at least that used to be true. As reported by PlayNetwork, for the first time in 20 years, Carey's Christmas classic is no longer the #1 holiday song, at least judging by shoppers' most-heard tunes. If you are thinking, "WTF, how could happen?," don't worry, you are not alone. This is a travesty, a Christmas crisis that I, for one, have no clue how to process.
As for what song could've possibly taken "All I Want's" place? PlayNetwork, a service that provides in-store playlists for over 400 different brands, has reported that the number one most streamed holiday song of 2015 is, drumroll please... The Shins' cover of Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmastime." Wait, what? An indie rock band from New Mexico best known for populating the Garden State soundtrack is currently topping this year's holiday charts? How could something like this happen? My guess is simply that there has been a shift in the space-time continuum, and nothing makes sense anymore.
And while the Shins may have a great tune, who do they think they are, strolling in and taking Mariah's rightful place with just a snap of finger? This is just so not cool, and the news has left me devastated, confused, and angry. Basically, I am stuck in a glass case of emotion from which I cannot escape. Here's what it's like to process Carey's classic song getting — I can barely say it! — dethroned, in stages:
I am still grappling with how this is even a thing. I've never even heard of "Wonderful Christmastime," and suddenly it's number one? That doesn't make sense. This list is wrong. Everyone is wrong.
I can barely breathe right now. We, collectively as humans, have let Mariah down. We should all be ashamed of ourselves. This is all our fault.
Maybe we all can trade Mariah's #1 spot for the promise that Justin Bieber will not make any more Christmas music. Is that a thing? Can I promise that? OK, I'm gonna try and make that happen.
Don't mind me, I am just going to drown my tears in some moscato. If you need me, I'll be drunk, sobbing in the corner, and listening to "All I Want For Christmas Is You" on repeat, exactly how the holidays are meant to be spent.
OK, fine. I've accepted that Mariah's song is no longer #1. I've also accepted that I have just begun plotting my revenge. No biggie.
So, Christmas fans, let's experience the stages of grief together, for once we have grieved, we can all begin the fight to return our holiday leader to her rightful place. Don't worry, Mariah — we've got your back.
Images: Giphy (5)