10 Reasons "All I Want For Christmas Is You" Will Be Back On Top Of The Charts In No Time

Guys, it turns out Fox News was right after all. There IS a war on Christmas. More specifically, there is a war on Christmas classics. According to a report by PlayNetwork, for the first time in 20 years, Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You" is no longer the no. 1 holiday song heard by shoppers in stores. It's a tough time for us all, full of confusion and sorrow. How can a song that still tops the Billboard Holiday 100 not be the song heard most in stores? What is happening in this world? And how could a gosh-darn cover of a mostly lame Christmas song by Sir Paul McCartney (and the never-mentioned Wings) be the new no. 1? Wonderful Christmastime, my foot!

I simply can't have a wonderful Christmastime without Mariah crooning in my ears as I debate between which socks to send my sister. And, furthermore, I haven't listen to the Shins ever since I was a high school student and thought Garden State was a good movie, and I don't intend to start now. Even for Christmas's sake. Now that I've dealt with my depression over Mariah Carey's dethroning, it's time to defend my favorite song's honor. Here are nine reasons that "All I Want For Christmas Is You" is superior to "Wonderful Christmastime," and why the song should be returned to its rightful place of honor in our hearts and Uniqlo playlists.

1. Versatility As A Love Song And Christmas Song

This song works to remind us that we are forever alone on Christmas, but it's OK because so is Mariah Carey. It's nice to know we are not alone in the longing we feel to have a Christmas cuddlebuddy. Heartwarming, even.

2. The Song Can Lead To Love


Have you seen Love Actually? There's some serious romance directly attached to Mariah Carey's hit. All the characters want for Christmas is their various love interests

3. The Crazy Ranges The Song Takes


All hail Mariah, the woman who can go back and forth and up and down those scales any way she damn pleases.

4. It Is The Best Song For Lip Syncing


The third point leads to me my fourth point: how much more fun it is to sing along like a crazy fool to something a little more challenging? It's hilarious to pretend you are actually someone who can sing like that. Unless you are someone who can sing like that. Kudos.

5. The Music Video Is Hilarious

MariahCareyVEVO on YouTube

I'm sure Mariah Carey was very serious about her need for a very fake-looking home video. But, regardless of the reasoning, I can't help but imagine Mariah Carey rolling around in the snow, not a hair out of place. This makes me giggle, and therefore enjoy the song that much more when I hear it in Bath and Body Works. There are other versions of the music video as well, which aren't half as funny, but the whole thing should still should draw attention to the fact that the music video for The Shin's cover is logs burning in a fireplace. Chumps.

6. The Cover Versions Are Soooo Interesting

Kurt Hugo Schneider on YouTube

This weird D minor version of "All I Want For Christmas Is You" is so eerie and cool and interesting. Way more interesting than a cover of Paul McCartney's jam. Ahem, cough cough, the Shin's cover. There are so many versions of Carey's hit that you could spend all day listening to them. In fact, I'm doing it right now and couldn't be happier.

7. There Is A Children's Book

You don't see any children's books running around about "simply having a wonderful Christmas time" do you? Well, do you? And yet you can get a book about a young girl who only wants a puppy for Christmas. All she wants for Christmas is pup.

8. The Creatures Of The Animal Kingdom Are Big Fans


According to science, some goats really like "All I Want For Christmas Is You" and are known to produce more milk while the song is played. Goats know what's up.

9. This Is A Ground-Breaking Song


Mariah Carey's 1994 hit came at a time when singers didn't write new Christmas songs. Not every artist had a Christmas album. But, instead of sounding very specifically 90s, the song has a timeless sound that I can certainly appreciate.

10. The Song Reminds Us Of The Real Reason For The Season


Nothing makes Christmas shopping more enjoyable than remembering that the people you are buying gifts for will care more about love than the presents. Hopefully.

So, yeah, "Wonderful Christmastime" has surpassed one of the greatest jams of all time in one way, but not even close to all the ways. For all time, Mariah Carey shall stay in my hearts as the reigning Christmas queen supreme. Long live the queen!

Images: Amazon.com; Giphy (7); MariahCareyVEVO/YouTube