4 Puzzling Feminine Hygiene Products

If you’re the proud owner of a vagina, you’ve probably seen ads for lot of really ridiculous things that companies expect you to buy in order to keep your “down there” area in tip-top shape. Aside from the fact that none of these companies seem to be able to ever utter the word “vagina,” most of these products are completely unnecessary.

If you like a little sexism along with your vagina-care products, these four patronizing pussy potions are for you! It’s likely, though, that you should avoid all of this junk — both for your own sanity and for the safety of your vagina. (SEE. It’s easy guys! Say it with me. VAGINA. VAGINA. VAGINA.)

1. Douches

These relics from days past somehow still stay on drugstore shelves everywhere, even though most experts agree that you don’t need “vaginal irrigation” to keep your cooch in good working order. Basically, dudes in the 1800s believed that their wives vaginas were scary, disgusting places, so they invented bleach-and-vinegar concoctions to get rid of all that nasty lady bacteria and make the vagina a more presentable place for husbands.

2. Crocheted tampons

No. I can be as green and hippy-dippy as they come (I use a DivaCup, dammit!) but crocheted tampons are just outside the realm of my personal commitment to the environment. If this approach to menses management appeals to you, you can pick up three cotton and bamboo crocheted tampons on Etsy. Rock on, earth mama, but stay far away from my bathroom.

3. Whatever “Healthy HooHoo” is

I discovered the childlike joy of Healthy HooHoo “feminine intimate cleanser” via the wonders of my overflowing email inbox, and immediately flew into a fit of rage. In the words of Honest Toddler, Healthy HooHoo "makes me want to hit." Not only is the description of vaginas as “girlie parts” cissexist and downright disgusting, you don’t need a special “shampoo for your hoohoo.” Just use soap and water, people. You’re also never allowed to use the word hoohoo ever. Not even if you’re seven years old.

4. “Vaginal freshness” sprays

Aside from smelling like that weird powder your grandma used to put on the carpet before vacuuming, scented feminine hygiene sprays aren’t good for your vagina under any circumstances. Whatever random chemicals you’re spraying on your vulva to make it smell like a summer’s eve aren’t good for the natural bacterial balance that actually does keep your vagina healthy.

Hygiene is, of course, an important part of keeping yourself a generally decent human to be around, but you don’t need a lot of stupid products to make your vagina “better,” and certainly not “more desirable.” People who enjoy vaginas should like them just the way they are, and if they don’t? Don’t share yours with them.

Image: Lindsay Johnson/Bustle