Love it or hate it, Bad Santa has become one of those classic holiday movies. Classic in the sense that Bad Santa is pretty horrifying, yet somehow has managed to permeate holiday culture like a bad fruitcake. Revolving around a drunk con man/thief (Billy Bob Thornton) who uses a job as a mall Santa to do his dirty deeds, it doesn't exactly call for you to break out the hot cocoa and snuggle by the fire. Maybe it calls for spiking some eggnog and turning up the broken space heater. Either way, you would think that one redeeming quality would be that it also stars Lauren Graham, but by doing so, Bad Santa just manages to completely ruin Gilmore Girls. Viewers don't get anything that is even close to resembling Lorelai Gilmore. We're not in Stars Hollow anymore, friends.
Obviously it's not Gilmore Girls, so it's not like I was expecting her to be exactly the same character here. But diehard fans find it so hard to separate Lauren from Lorelai. Thats why her character in Bad Santa is so aggressively jarring, simple by virtue of being such a terrifying deviation from Lorelai's goofy, quirky wit. Read on to see what I mean. Remember, I warned you. You may walk away from this article a changed human. I can't be held responsible.
1. She Looks Like Lorelai, But Something Is Different...
It must be all of Sue's leather ensembles stolen directly from the ladies of Coyote Ugly. Gone are the days of Lorelai's bucket hats and novelty graphic tees. R.I.P. sweater vests.
2. The Santa Fetish Is A Little Hard To Swallow
I can accept Lorelai's Oompa Loompa fetish. She keeps that sh*t locked away in her dreams. However, I can't accept Sue's Santa fetish because she insists on taking it to a dark place.
3. The Car Scene
Watching Richard and Emily's daughter, Rory's mother and Queen of Stars Hollow writhing on top of Billy Bob Thornton while repeatedly screaming, "F*ck me Santa" is something that no one should have to have in their memory bank. Unfortunately, it's too late for me. Save yourself.
4. The Hot Tub Scene
Having aggressive sexy time with Billy Bob Thornton wearing a Santa hat in a hot tub while a kid is in the house? Lorelai...what have you done? I thought I was mad at you when you kissed Max in Rory's school.
5. Watching Billy Bob Attempt To Remove Sue's Thong With His Teeth
Not to mention, a child walks in on them while this occurs. What if that was Rory?! What would happen? She wouldn't have never got into Yale with that giant traumatic visual taking up residence in her brain!
6. The Multiple Promotional Photos Of Lauren Graham Sticking Her Tongue In Billy Bob Thornton's Ear
I mean , who was the artistic genius that couldn't come up with even one alternative pose? I want Lauren Graham promotional shots where she is wearing pastels and twirling in front of a light up WB sign. Take me back to a more innocent time, please.
Images: Dimension Films (5); Giphy (3)