When I was, like, 11, I remember thinking about one day how I'd be this strong, independent woman about town, casually dating my way to a meet-cute and then marriage and then two kids and a puppy in a renovated farmhouse. Little did I know that I'd be consistently getting drunk one-on-one with dudes and then immediately panic-texting my friends from the bathroom trying to figure out if I was on a date or just a friends-doing-things thing. Which was it? Thankfully, I now have this very handy instructional video that explains whether it was a date, or the other thing. Man, 2016, what a time to be alive.
Released recently by The New Yorker, the video features some of my personal Twitter faves who I stalk from afar, including Mitra Jouhari and Lily Karlin, as well as Halle Cantor, Casey Johnston, Courtney Spiller and Alex Watt. The ladies provide a step-by-step guide, complete with a panel of highly trained experts, to determining just how, exactly, to tell what the eff is going on when you meet a guy and he asks if you want to get some drinks and then you show up and his friends are there but then they leave and you two have another round of drinks by yourselves, like is that is a date, or...? Finally, my prayers are answered!
...Actually, just kidding; no one seems to know we're stuck in this ambiguous dating hellscape until the end of days, I guess.
While the video covers some tell-tale signs that I already knew — did he pay for the drinks, did you kiss — it also brings up some hints that I have not thought to address. Here are some of the more helpful ones; scroll down to watch the full video. Did I mention that it's hilarious? Because it is. Definitely worth it.
1. Did he do any flirty touching?
This admittedly, is hard to call a lot of the time. Accidental boob grazes are common, I think? At least that's what I tell myself.
2. Did he mention any other girls?
If yes, and especially if he was like, "She's [word for attractive]," you're probably not on a date. Or, he just sucks. Also, though, you knew that and I shouldn't have to tell you that; if you thought otherwise you were lying to yourselves. This is 2K16, ladies. Get it together.
3. Did he ask you back to his place?
If yes, great sign. If no, maybe he lives with his parents. Or it's just not a date. Hard to call. Let's move on.
4. Did he text you back the next morning?
Dudes who are actually good at consistent communicating are becoming an increasingly rare find, so a boy who texts back the next morning is great. A boy who texts back one word with no emoji or punctuation is suspect.
Check out the full video below for more helpful tips: