A good friend who’s new to the single scene recently asked me if “even people who have sex on the first date?” are interested in having a longer relationship and it was all I could do to not facepalm my phone. It seems that no matter how many times we swipe on Tinder or shout that there's nothing wrong with having casual sex, there are still so many rules and regulations around when and how and who we should actually date versus who we should “just” have sex with. And, unfortunately, most of those rules apply to the behavior of women. As in, a girl who “gives it up too soon” isn’t “wife” material. As in, you date the Madonna and f*ck the “whore.”
Well, I’m calling bullsh*t. I’m calling sexist, double standard, arbitrary, bullsh*t. Getting down on the first date does not disqualify anyone — of any gender — from being significant other material. All it means is that you two dug each other and decided to show that by rubbing your body parts together. That’s it! That’s all! It doesn’t mean that one is a “slut” and the other a “stud” or that now you can’t view each other as “dating material.”
Now, I’m not saying that you can’t decide where in the meeting/first date/subsequent dates process you feel comfortable having sex. Maybe you prefer to get to know someone better first — and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Being ready to have sex is 100 percent up to each and every individual to decide for their own self. What I am saying is that having sex with someone on a first date and then deciding that the act that you both participated in means that they no longer qualify for relationship status is nonsense. It’s rooted in old ideas that link sexual unavailability with worth and it’s time to say “buh bye.”
And I’m also not saying that you have to or even should date someone you slept with on a first date because, again, that decision is up to you and the other person, not me or anyone else. All I’m saying is that it’s time to stop automatically disqualifying someone from your dating pool solely because you saw them naked on the first date.
Not totally convinced yet? Here are nine reasons you should consider dating a person you slept with on the first date.
1. Why Not?
Seriously, why not? Think about. Is there an actual reason other than the “rule” about doing it on the first date? Are you assigning an arbitrary number of times you should see someone before you do it? If the answer to any of these is “yes,” it’s time to do some rethinking.
2. You Don’t Believe In Slut-Shaming
A big part of the three date rule (or whatever random sex rule you’re following) is slut-shaming. By saying that someone who does it on the first date has disqualified themselves from dating, you’re buying into slut shaming culture. If you don’t believe in slut-shaming, than you shouldn’t see a problem with dating someone you had sex with on the first date.
3. The Sex Was AWESOME
Pissed of the neighbors? Broke the bed? Hell yes! Why wouldn’t you want more of that??
4. They’re A Cool Person
There’s a reason you took them to bed, right? Sometimes it’s just physical but more often than not we sleep with people for more than just their looks. If you’re into them as a person, then why not consider dating them?
5. Sex Shouldn’t Be Used As A Bargaining Chip
Sex has traditionally been used as a bargaining chip; something that the woman withholds in hopes that it will “win” her partner. This sets up a nasty dynamic that directly feeds into rape culture by encouraging men to push and push and push and women to resist and resist and resist. That back and forth teaches men to not listen to what a woman is saying (like, for example, “No!”) and for women to never ask for what they want. Do you want those dynamics to be a part of your relationships?
6. Dating “Rules” Are BS
Total BS. You decide for you what works and what doesn’t. Don’t let other people tell you what you “should” and “shouldn’t” do — not even me. (JK you should totally do everything I say, always.)
7. A Person’s “Value” Isn’t Lower After Sex
This is another one that’s usually highly gendered, although not always. A woman’s value being assigned to her virginity is an extremely harmful belief that reduces us to one aspect of who we are. In the past (and in some parts of the world today) a woman who has been penetrated was considered “worthless” and could expect to live a life of poverty and scorn, even if she was raped. While that’s not the case in most of America today, that idea of a higher value being placed on a woman who hasn’t had sex or won’t have sex yet is definitely still around and still so, so harmful.
8. They’re Super Hot
Why wouldn’t you want to keep on doing it and dating?
9. They Know What They Want
Outkast said it best in "The Morning After:" “I don't give a sh*t about givin' it up on the first night. That just let me know, she know what she want out of life.” Preach!
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