I'm in my 30s — in other words, an actual, real-life adult. Yet, when it comes to having sex at my parents house, I am 16 and terrified all over again. Even if you perfected the art of having sex at your parents house without them finding out, how can you still not feel a little weird about it? It's the literal homeland that has forbidden such acts since, well, birth.
Not to say that fact doesn't also make it extremely hot — isn't that why we all dared each other to have sex in our parents' rooms when they were out of town? Was that just my friends?
Still, there are rules when it comes to hitting the sheets when you're at home. And although I certainly have never spoken to them about it, I'm pretty sure my parents know I have sex now. Especially since I have had to ask my physician dad to refill my birth control in an emergency situation. (It makes me feel awkward just recalling that very true account.)
Even so, when my boyfriend and I made a pilgrimage to my childhood home, and therefore shared my childhood room, the inevitable fear set in... hard.
That doesn't mean we didn't get down to business, but that does mean there are some certain things that occurred — and I learned from — during said illicit acts. And now, I'm here to impart them on to you.
1. Early Bird Got The Sex
My parents wake up at the absolute ass-crack of dawn. Thankfully, they don't start purposely making noise near my door to wake me up until hours after they arise. However, we decided to take advantage of this two-hour or so window during my dad's early morning jog and step-mom's coffee al fresco to get down to it.
Despite the fact my parents are far more awake in the morning, than they are in the evening hours (my dad passes out in his chair every night around 9 p.m.), I still felt safer with this window than I did with a nocturnal romp. For one, I'm certain my parents just assumed we were asleep; secondly, they were both suitably occupied in their morning routines. They key is making sure you do it (literally) before your normal wake-up time, because that's when you run a higher risk of a coitus interruptus.
Just in case they did decide to knock a little earlier than usual, we opted for the side-by-side position in these a.m. hours. That's a pretty easy "we're just spooning" coverup.
2. It Was All About The Quickie
This probably goes without saying, but for the most part, sex at your parents' house isn't going to be the kind that involves hours of foreplay or any kind of role playing — that is, unless, you have completely different and far more liberated parents than my own.
During the time spent at my parents house, our actual trysts were rarely longer than 15 minutes. It was basically one giant quickie, which to be honest, isn't always a bad thing. It was almost a refreshing precedent set that screamed: "alright, let's not monkey around here. Take off your clothes." Plus, like I said before, the fear of getting caught paired with doing something illicit and forbidden was about all the foreplay we needed.
3. "Working Out" Was Our Best Friend
My dad wasn't the only one going on runs! A couple of times, my boyfriend and I "headed out for a jog", which was really just an excuse to find a secluded public place for some impromptu fooling around. And since this is my hometown, I happen to know where all those spots are — how else do you think I had sex in high school?
Here's another benefit: post-workout showers. Now, if your bathroom isn't in your room, this can be tricky. Mine is not, so yes, it was tricky. But after a run —er, the sex you had in the bushes — you obviously need to shower. The best way to do this is for one person (ideally the person's whose home it is, so that was me) — go in to shower first. Then, have your come in a few minutes after you. Leave the bathroom the same way, just like you're exiting a club and trying to throw off the paparazzi.
4. Family Movie Night Can Be Pretty Sexy Foreplay
Now, hear me out, because I realize this sounds a little odd. But trust me, it can be extremely conducive to some night moves. Your parents will also love that you suggest this. First, pick a movie that they will be engrossed in; second, make sure to share a seating area with just your significant other and grab a very large blanket.
Turn the lights down low, and let the under the blanket teasing.... begin! Once your parents fall asleep, and they will, you will be sufficiently worked up enough to have some very successful post-sleep sex.
5. Quiet Sex Is Actually Pretty Hot
Whoever said screaming during sex is the hottest has clearly never played the quiet game in the bedroom. I've never played it on quite this level, because obviously being quiet is of utmost importance in this environment, but I'm here to tell you it is extremely sexy.
What made it hotter? We made an actual game out of it, or more so rules. Whoever made the most sound had to do what the other wanted. You could only whisper in the other one's ear to try and make them crack.
Let's just say, trying to stifle the moans has never been hotter... or more rewarding.
6. It's Easier Than I Thought To Hide In Plain Sight
We both live in New York, so naturally, my parents don't find it strange at all that I only bring home dirty clothes when I visit. I take advantage of their laundry facilities every time I'm there, and since my boyfriend did too, we took advantage of the times we "did laundry" together. And by take advantage, I mean doing it on the dryer while our clothes were on the spin cycle.
7. We Didn't Get Caught
It's easy to forget that our parents are just as mortified to catch us in the act, as we are to be caught in it. Trust me, they don't want to see any of this. So my biggest fear of them catching us was mainly in my head, which luckily also added some major heat to the weekend.
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Images: Author's own; Giphy