How To Have A Sex Life When You Don't Have Privacy

We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions remain anonymous. Now, onto today’s topic: how to have sex at home when you live with your parents.

Q: My boyfriend and I were recently forced to move in with my parents due to some financial hardships. It has been tough in so many ways to transition from living on our own to being back under my parents' roof, but our sex life has suffered the most. My parents' bedroom is pretty close to mine, the walls are thin, and my bed is creaky. The lack of privacy is a turn-off to me, and I find myself just giving up hope. How can we maintain a sex life while living at home?

A: Thanks for the question! There are a lot of people in your position right now. Sneaking around when you were a teenager may have felt exhilarating, but a lot of the fun wears off when you're an adult who had to move back home as a last resort. But all hope isn't lost, I promise! Here are six ways to maintain some semblance of a sex life when your parents are sleeping in the bedroom next door.

1. Keep talking about it.

There's no getting around it — this is a frustrating situation to be in. Many couples in your situation would react by withdrawing and trying to forget about having sex since the conditions aren't optimal. Unfortunately, pretending it's not a problem will only make things worse. Keep acknowledging your frustrations with each other. Tell each other how much you miss being intimate. Reminisce about your favorite memories from when you were living on your own. Dream about what it will be like to be back in your own place.

2. Capitalize on your opportunities.

Unfortunately, you no longer have the luxury of having sex when the mood strikes. You're going to have to be a bit more flexible with your timing. Talk to each other about trying to take advantage of the opportunities you do have. The moment your parents leave the house, pounce on each other. Have a code word or signal that you can use to alert each other when your parents start getting ready to leave the house. You may even want to try encouraging your parents to take up a hobby or start going on date nights more frequently!

3. Broaden your ideas about sex.

Intercourse can be a tricky thing to pull off with limited time and privacy, but handjobs and blowjobs can be a lot easier! Try to incorporate a wider variety of acts into your sex life. If you just have a few minutes while your parents walk the dog around the block, try giving each other handjobs at the same time, or masturbate in front of each other. Sneak into the tub at night and touch each other below the surface of the water.

This is also your opportunity to make sex exciting in other ways. I know that the challenges of your current situation are a mood-killer for you, but are there other ways that you can make sex feel more enjoyable right now? Maybe you and your boyfriend had stopped having long make-out sessions when you were living together, but those kinds of interactions are more doable now. Or maybe you could actually get into the idea of having to be more spontaneous and sneaky about timing.

4. Soundproof your room.

When your parents aren't home, have your boyfriend stay in your bedroom while you go into your parents bedroom. Close both doors. Ask your boyfriend to thrust on the bed, and try to approximate how loud you both tend to moan. Doing this little test with give you a real sense of just how much privacy you have. Most people get super paranoid about sex noises, but you may discover that you can be louder than you had originally thought.

It's also worth making some effort to soundproof your room. You can disguise a lot with music or even a sound machine playing white noise. Try playing music during the day when your parents are at home, so it's not obvious that music on = sexytimes. See if you can fix your bed's creakiness with some WD-40 or by tightening the screws. Hanging a tapestry on the wall and putting a towel under the door can also help.

5. Get creative about location.

If your bed is being uncooperative, try making a really cosy sex den on the floor with blankets and pillows. Or perhaps your house has a more private garage or den that you can sneak away to? How about the bathroom? Shower sex can be a lot of fun, and the shower can take care of the noise issue too. What about your car? You could park in a private part of the driveway, or drive to a secluded location. None of these locations may be ideal as your only option in the long-term, but if you rotate between them, they may feel more manageable.

6. Schedule getaways.

I know your inclination is probably to save up money as quickly as possible to get the hell out of your parents' house, but you also have to find ways to make this temporary arrangement bearable for the time being. Try setting aside $10 or $20 every week to save up for weekend getaways. You can find cheap AirBnBs for as little as $60 a night. Even if you stay in your hometown, you'll be so grateful for the opportunity to close the door and not have to worry about anyone else!

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