'50 Shades of Grey' Star Jamie Dornan: Make Like Calgon and Take Me Away

First and foremost I have absolutely no shame in admitting that this post took me way longer to write than it should've (Sorry, my editors). Probably because there is literally no way to not be distracted by the unending attractiveness that is Jamie Dornan. Sure some know him from Once Upon a Time , others still from his impending work on that upcoming 50 Shades of Grey nonsense, but I fell in serious like with the actor thanks to his work on the UK series, The Fall, where he played the most handsome and serial murderperson the world has ever seen (Sorry, Michael C. Hall). And no, we don't need to go into any sort of in-depth conversation about what our attraction to him in that series means, because your imaginary boyfriend Jamie Dornan is here to take you on a magnificent journey to Venice.

To that we can only say: thank you, Italian fashion brand Hogan. Thank you. So much.

But of course we don't want to objectify the, uh, object of our desire, because that would be hypocritical of us because of equality or something. We're all more than the sum of our sexual parts, right? And even though Jamie Dornan, who has the brooding gaze of someone who casually saves animals for a living, is a very, very attractive being, we shouldn't focus on all that! Let us, instead, focus on the dreamy Venetian date he's going to take you on. I mean just look at that water...

So blue, so serene. I bet your Instagram filters would capture that beautifully as you and your IBF hold hands and stare out at the waters while it gently laps up against your toes. You both sit on the doc, admiring the wildlife and passersby, those lesser mortals who aren't lucky enough to be spending time on this beautiful dock, taking in these beautiful sights.

And look at all that...wood! So...symmetrical. Look at it mimics the lines of the building behind it. Everything's just so erect.

Oh yes, and the boat excursion that follows. Musn't forget that. You IBF Dornan picked out the perfect vessel with a rustic wooden look at supple interior banquet seats made of leather that are totally just for sitting on any not anything else. Oh yes and the water, look out at the water. Focus on the water.

I mean, it's just so serene and calm and romantic and dreamy and beautiful and handsome, isn't it?

Of course the following morning's day excursion is equally as fun. Look at all that...brick and stone. Imagine how good the gelato is going to taste while you and your IBF sit and have a wee respite from all the sightseeing and hand-holding and eye-gazing you've wasted your day on.

So you go ahead and climb those stairs like a tree... or well, like stairs. Because we're talking about the stairs here, people. Think about the stairs.

And, whatever you do, for the love of all things holy, do not watch this video and pretend that the girl in it is you and then imagine your wonderful imaginary life with your handsome in a slightly scary way, imaginary boyfriend Jamie Dornan. Seriously, don't: it'll ruin your life (and also productivity).

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Images: Hogan