Britney's "Hold It Against Me" Vid Is Still A Trip

by Kristie Rohwedder

How do I, proud card-carrying member of the Britney Army that I am, bide my time until living pop legend and corn on the cob admirer Britney Spears releases brand new music? For starters, I devote a hearty slice of my morning scouring the Internet for any and all updates about the reigning queen of the Las Vegas Strip. And duh, I listen to the Godney’s greatest hits I put together (yes, as a matter of fact the playlist does include every single Britney song ever— terrific guess!). And finally, I re-watch classic Brit Brit videos. And on this particular dreary winter day (oops I lied about the dreary part; it's like 80 degrees in Los Angeles right now), I opted to curl up with Britney Spears's "Hold It Against Me,” the music video for the lead single off of 2011 album Femme Fatale.

Let me cut right to the chase: The "Hold It Against Me" video, which is essentially a dynamic sci-fi allegory for the pop star's tumultuous life in the spotlight, is a bonkers-in-the-right-way masterpiece. The Jonas Åkerlund-directed, Brian Friedman-choreographed clip is all things weird, unsettling, and majestic. Like, on a scale of one to "Schism" by Tool, it's probably at a seven. And I love it. And I have some questions for it.

1. What Is The Name Of This Font?

And how do I make this font the default font on my laptop?

2. What Are These Gorgeous Fluorescent Gemstones?

I am going to go ahead and assume it is an incredibly rare gem that a plebeian like myself will never know or understand.

3. What’s FlyMeToTheMoon Up To These Days?

I wonder if he found someone who loves the music of Frank Sinatra as much as he does.

4. Can I Be Buried In This Room Of Britney Spears Videos?

It's is no joke the tomb of my dreams.

5. What's The Story With These Gloves?

One moment, they look like a pair of gloves that someone cut in half. BUT THEN!

They shape shift into fingerless gloves. And then, they shape shift back into their full finger glove state. The most logical explanation: These gloves are made of magic.

6. How Are Those Tubes Attached To Her Half Gloves?

Is that dental floss I see?

7. What Is That Colorful Liquid?

My guess: It's melted down highlighter ink.

8. What Happened To Their Eye Sockets?


9. Speaking Of Eyeballs...

How do I unsee this horror show?

10. Where Are The Rest Of Her Talons?

Why only three talons? 10 talons or bust!

11. WAIT. Are Those Talons Actually Bugles?

Because she is serving up serious Bugles-dipped-in-black-food-coloring vibes.

12. What. Is. Going. On. With. Britney’s. Face.

Look at her face.


13. Which Britney Is The Real Britney?

And which Britney is the Buffy Bot?

14. Is This Gown On Display In A Museum Somewhere And/Or Available For Purchase?

This gown is a work of art. And I would like to see it with my own double iris eyes.

If I dipped some Bugles in black food coloring and stuck 'em on my fingers, would you hold it against me?

Images: BritneySpearsVEVO/YouTube (16); Kristie Rohwedder/Bustle (15)