After his recent DUI arrest and an attempt to resist police, Justin Bieber decided to take a nice vacation to Panama as we all would after being arrested. Oh wait, nevermind, because as someone who is not a public figure, I probably would still be in jail right now. The 19-year-old singer who spent the day basking in the sun alongside a woman reported to be Chantel Jeffries, has now reportedly been joined by his mother, Pattie Mallette, manager Scooter Braun, a few old friends and none other than Usher, the man that gave Bieber’s career life.
I would like to think this is some swell family gathering where everyone is going to grill burgers and sing Kumbaya around a campfire, but I’m gona’ go with mmm probs not. Perhaps this is an intervention of some sort? If it’s not, it very well should be, because Bieber is still facing a possible felony charge for those eggs he threw at his neighbor’s house. And who better than Usha Usha to help out his teen prodigy?
If I could do a Freaky Friday switch with Usher just so I could talk to Bieber for an hour or two, this is what I would say:
What’s up, man? These are my confessions: you’re pissing everyone off and I think you’re acting like a child. Please take a seat while I bestow these words of wisdom upon you. What happened to the bright-eyed One Time singer that people used to obsess over?
After trading in your signature skater boy haircut for an Edward Cullen meets Ellen DeGeneres-do (which she still pulls off better, FYI), you have changed. It might have started when you began singing about your “first love” in Baby, despite the fact that you were a mere 15-year-old boy who probably had no idea what love really meant. You just matured too quickly for your age. Or maybe the extreme fandom of tween girls throughout the world and all your Beliebers just got to your head. Whatever it was, you’re going to need something huge to cover up that ego of yours, because it's fully exposed right now.
You had an amazing woman by your side, to guide you through these times. When Selena Gomez met you, her heart went knock knock… and then she realized you were kind of messed up and left. Sorry. Ima tell you one time — you really screwed up there. Once the breakup went public, things only got worse for you.
There was that time you peed in a mop bucket and then insulted President Bill Clinton, and that day when you hotboxed a van. Side note: Not judging your drug habits, but at least keep them out of the public eye, because it really shouldn’t be that difficult. You kicked a flag off stage in Argentina (because that’s the best way to get your fans’ attention), left during the middle of a performance (your tickets are quite expensive by the way), and even allowed a strange woman to film you sleeping in bed. You also let your bodyguards carry you up the stairs of the Great Wall of China, which I still can’t get over. There are really just too many things wrong with that statement.
After all the mistakes you’ve made, you continued to surprise everyone by throwing eggs at your neighbor’s house (pretty sure $20,000 in damage wasn’t worth it) and driving under the influence. You could have injured someone. You’re already facing one felony, and I don’t think you need another. Take this time in sunny Panama to reflect on some of the stupid things you’ve done and push out all of that bad energy. Life out of the spotlight isn’t so bad. Just take it from me, Biebs. My career was booming and now I’m sitting back and no one has heard anything from me in what seems like years. But I’m still rich as anything and don’t have any charges against me, so I don't know what other proof you need. Do this for the fans, Justin. They need you.
Peace up, A Town down. Your pal,
Image: Deviant Art