Whenever award seasons come up, I always wonder how it must feel to earn a little gold statute. What it would mean to know I've made it into the elite, that I'm recognized as unparrelled in the entertainment industry. And then I think of all the insane material things in the Oscars Swag Bag that the losers usually get, and I'm like, "Nah, I want that instead." As the 88th Academy Awards approaches on us quickly, the list of all the Oscars Swag Bag items have hit the Internet with a glorious smash.
To provide a bit of context for the uniformed, Distinctive Assets is the company that puts together these consolation bags every year, also taking up responsibilities for the Grammys and the Emmys swag bags. Each year the gift bag costs like, two years college tuition (or one year's college tuition if you go to NYU), but this year it's a record-breaking $250,000 worth of stuff. Hashtag rich people.
So why exactly does this happen? According to Distinctive Assets, the bag is meant to be a "blend of fabulous, fun and functional items meant to thrill and pamper those who may have everything money can buy but still savor the simple joy of a gift." Oh, OK. Last night I ate six gummy vitamins for lunch because I can't afford groceries until next week, but OK.
Anyway, let's take a peak at the full list of everything in this year's swag bag.
1. 10-day, First-Class Trip To Israel
A casual trip you can fit in between filming movies.
2. 15-Day Walking Tour Of Japan
A fun break, Post-Israel. Not sure if anyone's gonna actually go on this since walking is for peasants.
3. Year’s Worth Of Unlimited Audi Car Rentals From Silvercar
You already own three, but it's nice to try something new.
4. Lifetime Supply Of Skin Creams From Lizora
So necessary when you've already won the genetic lottery.
5. Halo Purely For Pets Donation Of Pet Food To An Animal Shelter
So... is it a donation in their name? That would be cool and all, definitely a viable way to spend money, it just seems like a strange thing to include in a gift bag.
6. Hydroxycut Weight-Loss Gummies
See, I just have the regular gummies. Eating only gummies helps me lose weight too, I guess.
7. Three Private Training Sessions With "Celebrity Wellness Expert" Jay Cardiello
Just in case the gummies aren't enough.
8. Personal Fitness Sessions With Celebrity Trainer Alexi Seletzky
Just in case Cardiello isn't enough.
9. A Fit Club TV "Ultimate Fitness Package" In A Private Villa
Ok, now it's not even funny.
10. Dandi Antiperspirant Patch
So at least you'll smell great after all these weeks of self-betterment.
11. Sundial Power Coating
12. Belldini Clothing
Yes, someone please think to clothe the celebrities.
13. Unspecified Gifts From The Grand Hotel Excelsior, Grand Hotel Tremezzo, Golden Door Spa
Getting the sneaking suspicion this is all fancier than the mini-shampoos you hijack from Motel 6.
For the record, it's a skin-tightening procedure with lasers.
16. Delovery Personalized Gift Baskets
17. A Vampire Breast Lift
I'm pretty sure this is when they use blood to make your boobs look better, guys.
18. Products From The Healing Saint By Dr Jane 360 Range
So your hair is looking its Beyonce best (which will be helpful when you go yachting with her and Jay Z next week).
19. Lat & Lo Jewelry
So everyone will know where you are (when you're not yachting with Beyonce and Jay-Z).
20. Caolion Skin Care
[Insert third joke about skin care here]
Some great table settings for the butler to put out.
21. Personalized M&Ms
22. A Rouge Maple Selection Box
Finally, maple salad dressing for the whole family.
23. Zekkle Edge
This one's actually un-Googleable.
24. Sedona Lace Makeup Brushes
25. Nuelle Fiera Arouser For Her
Incidentally, getting a sex toy in your gift basket is the actual best.
26. Haze Dual V3 Vaporizer
Not saying that I researched or anything, but yeah, vapes are pretty much a luxury item.
27. Mission1 Clean Protein Bar
God, you'll be so well-balanced.
28. Purely Inspired Organic Protein
You'll be over well-balanced, even.
29. Phantom Glass Screen Protector
Because if you broke something, you definitely couldn't afford a new one.
30. Memobottle Plastic Water Bottles
$47 for a plastic water bottle, I hope it sings.
31. Greenhill Winery & Vineyards
You already own a vineyard yourself, but why not.
32. Chocolatines treats
The "tine" part is what makes it sound fancy.
33. Gleener On The Go Portable Lint Brush
God forbid some lint ruins your Chanel.
34. Signature Vodka
35. Farm Wife Style Handmade Jewelry
In case you didn't get enough jewelry the first time.
36. Joseph's Toiletries "The Welcomer"
Guys, you know you're living the high life when you get the world's fanciest toilet paper in your gift basket. Screw the award.
Images: Giphy (36)